What We Lost Along the Way
by pinkturtle55
Summary: After an undercover mission goes wrong leaving Emily injured and suspended from Interpol, she goes back to the states in hope of escaping her memories. While there, she is no longer able to ignore the feelings she's been hiding for years and begins to realize that maybe she doesn't need to be alone. But the past isn't so easy to run from, and it always seems to find its way back.
1. Chapter 1

_**Hello! It's been a while since I've posted a story here, but I've been working on this one for awhile and wanted to share it!**_

 _ **Warning: This fic involves PTSD with flashbacks involving explosions.**_

 _ **Also, image credit goes to my wonderful friend Ijustwantyoutoknow for the beautiful Jemily picture she drew for me :)**_

 _ **I hope you all enjoy, and I would love you hear what you think!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds or any of the characters.**_

* * *

When Emily first woke she still thought she could save them. In the darkness behind her closed eyes, there was still a chance. In those seconds before reality hit, they weren't gone, and she was there. She was there to save them.

But then she opened her eyes and that same agonizing pain returned. She had been wrong, and they were dead because of that.

She turned and looked out the window. In the darkness she could see the blinking lights from the airplane wing. The man next to her was sleeping, as she had been until just moments ago. The plane was quiet.

And in the plane full of people she felt so alone.

And that was no one's fault but her own. Because she ran, she always did. She ran from the team when things got too hard, and then she ran from this. She had become an expert at avoidance. But this, this she couldn't get away from. Because even though she was no longer in Bucharest, that night haunted her in her dreams. It haunted her every waking moment too. She couldn't get their faces out of her head.

But she didn't want to be alone, not anymore.

Maybe that's why she was going back. Maybe that was why she had taken Clyde's advice and got on a plane to DC with a one way ticket. Maybe that was why this hurt so much.

The team hadn't even seen it when she ran. They hadn't seen it for what it was. It was supposed to be an escape. After Doyle, after hiding and coming back, it was all too much. She couldn't handle the guilt, or the constant reminders of what had happened. She had to get away.

And London had been better for awhile, until she found herself sitting at her desk in the middle of the night, the feelings over what had happened barely able to become real. When she looked up to see Clyde in her doorway.

But this time it had been his idea. He told her to get away for a few weeks while everything was figured out.

And now she found herself on a plane.

She was going back to see the team, her friends. But it was more than just friendship she craved. And she knew why it hurt so much to be alone.

Because she wanted to be with her.

XXX

JJ sat at her desk and stared down at the paperwork she was supposed to be working on. But her mind was wandering. She was thinking about the same person who had monopolized her mind for the past seven months. She was thinking about Emily.

It had been seven months since Emily had come to the US for a case. It had been six since JJ had heard from her.

But JJ couldn't stop thinking about her. She missed her friend. During all of their years with the BAU, the two of them had left and returned many times. And each time they were separated, JJ couldn't stop thinking about her.

But this time she didn't know if Emily would come back.

JJ had never truly let herself admit the feelings she had. She always told herself they were just friends, it was all they could ever be. Emily didn't feel the same way.

But after seeing her in New York, try as she might she couldn't ignore her feelings anymore. And it hurt to know that nothing could ever happen. She had spent the past months trying to forget about everything. Forget about her feelings. Forget about Emily. But she couldn't.

JJ closed her folder and returned it to the stack on her desk. It was late, and she couldn't do anymore tonight. She grabbed her bag and stopped by Hotch's office to say goodnight before leaving.

She got into her car and drove home, her thoughts still on Emily. She was so wrapped up in her own head that when she pulled into her driveway she didn't notice the figure on her front porch until she was out of the car.


	2. Chapter 2

**First of all, thank you for the reviews, favorites, and follows! Secondly, here are a few things I forgot to mention in the last chapter (and thank you to the reviewer who reminded me!), this fic takes place after Tribute in Season 11 and is AU without Will, Henry, or Michael.**

 **This chapter is a little short, but I plan on posting multiple times a week (most weeks) so hopefully that makes up for that. I hope you enjoy!**

JJ stood there frozen on her driveway. She almost couldn't believe what she was seeing, there was no way it could be real. JJ took a step forward, her bag still gripped in her right hand. The fog didn't lift until she saw the woman stand.

Emily struggled to her feet. She gripped the cane beside her for support, but her eyes didn't leave JJ once.

Finally JJ got her senses back and she half ran up the driveway. "Emily!" She exclaimed when she reached the other woman.

"JJ," Emily replied, a smile spreading across her face.

JJ then looked over to the cane and the way Emily gripped onto it. "Are you alright? Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine," Emily said. "Are you going to invite me in?" She raised a brow.

"Oh, of course," JJ hurried past her and unlocked the front door. Emily seemed to struggle with her duffle bag, but didn't give it up when JJ offered.

"I was just going to reheat some pasta for dinner," JJ said once they were both in the kitchen.

Emily sat her bag down, "sounds great, do you need any help?"

"Well, I do have to put the pasta in the microwave, and then start the microwave, and then take it out of the microwave. I'm not sure if I can handle that," JJ faked exhaustion.

Emily put up her hands in surrender, but laughed, "then I guess I'll just sit down and let you do all the work." Emily sat behind the counter and looked around JJ's house. Being back here, somehow it felt like she had never left, but also like she had been gone for ages.

JJ turned and opened the fridge to pull out the leftovers. She couldn't keep the grin off of her face. It still didn't feel real. How could Emily Prentiss be sitting in her kitchen right now? Just minutes ago JJ had been convinced she would never see her again. And now she was here. Emily was here.

"I have about a million questions," JJ said after putting the container of pasta in the microwave to heat up.

"It's probably best to start with one," Emily replied.

"What happened to your leg?"

Emily shook her head, "it's embarrassing, really."

"I won't laugh," JJ promised.

Emily sighed, "I was at the Interpol training center and I landed wrong on my leg. It's nothing bad, but now I need this damn cane to get around."

"Okay, second question. What are you doing in the US?"

"Trying to get rid of me already?" Emily teased.

"Of course not! I just... I haven't heard from you in months and now here you are."

"I know, and I'm sorry about that. Things have just been really busy at the London office. But I had some accrued vacation time that I was apt to lose if I didn't actually use it. I wanted to come see you. Everyone."

"And how long?"

Emily shrugged, "two weeks hopefully. But you know how it is, if they call me back early..."

"Of course," JJ said, their conversation cut off by the beeping of the microwave. She went over and finished preparing the food, then brought two plates to the kitchen counter and sat next to Emily.

"Now enough about me," Emily said, "how are you?"

"I'm good," JJ said, "we've been busy at the BAU too, we just got off our fifth case without a day off."

"Sounds like we could both use a break."

"You can say that again."

They both ate their pasta and JJ kept glancing at Emily out of the corner of her eye. It felt so good to see her best friend again.

When they were both finished eating, JJ took their plates and set them in the sink. She turned, looking back at Emily, and bit her lip. Emily wasn't looking at her, but JJ could see her dark eyes gazing off into the distance.

"Why don't you stay here?" JJ blurted out before she lost her nerve.

"What?" Emily turned to look at her, blinking quickly.

"I have a guest room and I've really missed you Em, why don't you stay here?"

"I wouldn't want to intrude."

"You wouldn't be, I promise."

"Only if you're sure," Emily said, but then she smiled.

XXX

Emily stood in JJ's guest room, supporting herself with her cane. After they had finished dinner, JJ had shown her everything in the bathroom and kitchen and told her to make herself at home.

When Emily was alone in the guest room she set her bag on the bed and pulled out a pair of pajamas. She slipped off her shirt and pants and looked down at her left thigh. The cut stretched up her leg from the top of her knee to just below her hip. There were over two dozen stitches. She examined it carefully and touched the wound tenderly, flinching in response.

She stepped into her pair of flannel pants and slipped an oversized Yale t-shirt over her head. She eased herself onto the bed.

She laid back. She was tired. She was just so tired.


	3. Chapter 3

**_Hello! I hope you're all having a good weekend. Thank you again for the favorites, follows, and reviews. I would love to hear what you all think._**

 ** _I do not own Criminal Minds_**

* * *

Emily woke with a start. Her heart was beating fast and she was covered with a sheen of sweat. She sat up and frantically looked around until she finally remembered where she was. The dream had felt so real. It had been like being back there. She wanted to get those images out of her head. It was all she could see. Their faces.

Emily grabbed her cane from where it was leaning against the bedside table and stood. It was still dark out, only three in the morning. She sighed, sleep had been hard to come by since she had left the hospital.

Emily limped out of the room and down the hall to the bathroom. She turned on the light and closed the door. Once the shower was going and steam had started to fill the small room, Emily removed her clothes. She looked at the small cuts across her chest and shoulder and then down on her legs. They were starting to heal, and soon the deeper ones would become scars.

The cut on her leg was much worse. It was deeper and more jagged. It was still tender to the touch and hurt every time she took a step. Emily wrapped it up to protect the stitches and then stepped into the shower.

The hot water poured over her face and she turned the water as hot as she could stand it. She kept thinking about the dream and how real it had felt. She wanted more than anything to have those images out of her head. Anything to stop remembering what had happened.

And as she stood there she couldn't stop thinking about how she should be dead. She shouldn't have survived that night when others hadn't. She would give anything for them to be alive instead of her.

Emily brought her hands up to her face, trying to stop. She should be dead, but she was here.

But she knew what she had to do. The only thing that could stop the nightmares, the thoughts, the fear. She had to know what had happened. She had to know how it could have happened. They had spent months planning. Months going over details, pounding out cover stories. Months doing recon.

And somehow it had still ended like this.

She would have stayed at Interpol and used her resources to find out what had gone wrong. But they were investigating her. They wanted to know what had gone wrong too. And right now she was the easiest answer.

Because she hadn't been able to save them. She hadn't been able to keep her team safe.

So she had to leave. If there was nothing she could do there, there was no reason to stay.

But what was she doing here? Why had she chosen to show up on JJ's front porch?

All she knew was that she wanted to see her. _Needed_ to see her.

She was looking for something. Something that she hadn't had since she left the BAU. She was looking for a friend.

But that wasn't true either. At the very least, it wasn't everything.

It had been after that case in Denver so many years ago. The one that had left Emily questioning her future. JJ had sat with her on the plane. They hadn't talked much, but after the plane had landed, JJ had invited her over for a glass of wine.

Emily had almost refused. She had almost gone back to her apartment alone. Instead, she went to JJ's and they stayed up half the night talking. It was then that she knew. She knew she wanted to be with JJ, but she knew she couldn't. It was the job.

But now there was no job. Still, there were reasons to keep her feelings to herself. JJ wasn't interested in her. Emily knew that, but she couldn't change how she felt. However much she tried, her thoughts always came back to JJ.

And that was the real reason she had come back.

XXX

JJ woke up to a beeping on her phone. She rolled over and looked at her alarm clock, it was just past six. She grabbed her phone, dreading the message telling her to come in for a case. But instead she had to read the text twice to assure herself she had read it correctly. Hotch had given them the morning off. Apparently JJ wasn't the only one worn out from the past few weeks.

She rolled back over and thought about trying to fall back asleep, but she knew she wouldn't be able to. She stayed in her bed and stared up at the ceiling.

And then, as they always did, her thoughts went to Emily. Emily who was here. Emily who was in her house. Emily who was just on the other side of the wall.

And JJ almost thought it was a dream.

Because it was the same dream she had been having for years.

But she had to remind herself, Emily wasn't here to stay. And as it always did, their time together would have to end. When one of them left. When one of them walked away. Out of duty, out of dedication, out of necessity.

But for now, for right now in this moment, JJ smiled. Because Emily was here. And even if it wasn't for long, she was here.

Emily was here.

XXX

Emily took a sip of her large black coffee, JJ sat across from her holding a latte in her hand and smiled. They were sitting in a coffee shop a few blocks away from JJ's.

"God, it's good to see you," JJ said.

"It's been too long," Emily agreed, "I've got almost a year's worth of stuff to get caught up on!"

JJ laughed, "not a whole lot has changed since you've left. More cases, more UNSUBS. What about you? How's London?"

"Lot's of paperwork," Emily sighed, "leading the London office comes with its fair share of bureaucracy."

"Do you miss the field?"

Emily shrugged, "sometimes."

JJ nodded, "and how's Mark?"

"He got assigned to the Sydney office, we're not together anymore," Emily said and then quickly took a sip of coffee.

"Oh," JJ said, "I'm sorry."

She shrugged. "It's alright, it just didn't work out. Are you seeing anyone?" Emily asked, trying to change the subject.

"Nope," JJ shook her head, "you know how it is with the job."

Emily laughed, "believe me, I know all too well."

JJ looked down at her watch and groaned, "unfortunately Hotch only gave us the morning off, so I need to head out in a few minutes."

"Well I'm glad we could get coffee and catch up," Emily smiled.

"Same," JJ smiled back, "I'm so glad you could come visit."


	4. Chapter 4

_**I hope you all enjoy this chapter and have a good weekend!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

Emily rang the doorbell and waited. She could hear movement inside the house and then the door opened. Derek looked at her and grinned.

He stepped out of the doorway and pulled her into a hug, "it's great to see you!"

"Good to see you too," Emily laughed, still in his embrace.

"How long have you been in town?" Derek asked as he stepped back.

"I just got in last night," Emily said.

"Come in, come in," Derek stepped into the house and led Emily into the dining room.

As Emily walked in she looked around. She had never been in his house before. It was tidy, but there were touches that made it feel like a home. The pictures on the mantle, the funny quotes hanging in the kitchen, the children's toys on the floor. There were shoes by the front door and jackets hung up on hooks.

"It looks like the domestic life is treating you well," Emily observed.

"It is," Derek turned to face her and frowned. "What happened to your leg?"

Emily groaned, "I'm going to have to go through this everytime I see you guys, aren't I?"

"I guess so."

Emily shook her head, "I was grappling at the Interpol training center and landed wrong on my leg. I don't need a cast or anything, but it hurts like hell."

"I can believe it," Morgan said, "come on, let's sit." He pulled out a chair at the dining room table for her and then sat down across from her.

"So how are you doing?" Emily asked, "I'm sorry I didn't get to see you the last time I was in the states, but with the case and everything..."

"It's okay, and I'm good," Morgan smiled, "I really am."

"That's good to hear," Emily said. She could hear the genuinity behind his words. "So what _is_ life like post BAU-law enforcement?"

"It's great, really. Hank's been keeping my life pretty busy, but I'm also working on my properties."

"Speaking of, when do I get to see the little man?" Emily asked.

"He's down for a nap," Derek indicated the baby monitor on the table, "but if you're quiet, we could go see him for a second."

Derek led Emily up the stairs and to the room. He turned to her, "but if you wake him up, there will be hell to pay."

"Understood," she whispered.

Derek opened the door to the nursery and Emily followed inside. Hank was sleeping and he had a smile on his face. Emily couldn't help but think how much he looked like Derek. It was probably the eyebrows. Emily was smiling when they left the room.

"I'm really happy for you," Emily said once they were out of his room and back downstairs.

"He's pretty great."

"And how's Savannah?"

"She's good," Derek said, "she's back working at the hospital part-time."

"I still haven't met this woman who's stolen your heart," Emily smiled.

"It's been what," Derek asked, "three years?"

"Just about," Emily confirmed.

"It's too long," Derek shook his head. "Any chance you're staying?"

"Just a vacation."

"Emily Prentiss took vacation time?" Derek raised his eyebrow skeptically.

"I'm just full of surprises."

"Well I'm glad you're here, even if it's only for a bit."

"I'm actually here to invite you and Savannah, and Hank of course," she added, "to dinner with me and the team. We're all meeting at Giovanni's tonight at 7 and I'd love it if you could come."

"Let me talk to Savannah, but that should work."

"I should get going now, but hopefully I'll see you tonight."

Derek walked Emily to the door and she stopped for a moment and smiled.

"What is it?" He asked.

"I'm just really happy for you, that's all."

XXX

JJ sat at her desk, her chin resting on her hand. Every time she thought of Emily she got a fluttering feeling in her stomach. It was a feeling she hadn't had in a long time. It was almost surreal that she was there. Like a dream.

And every time she thought of Emily, her voice, her laugh, her beautiful smile, JJ couldn't help but grin like an idiot.

"Tell me his name!"

JJ sat up and focused her eyes, Penelope was standing in her doorway, "what?"

Garcia walked in, "who is this man that you are so clearly daydreaming about?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," JJ leaned back in her chair.

"Oh come on, this isn't the first time I've caught you staring off into space with that smile of yours! Are you really going to keep this a secret from your best friend?"

"There is no secret man," JJ laughed and shook her head.

"I'm hurt," Garcia pouted, "I may not be a profiler, but I do know a thing or two about love. And Jennifer Jareau is head over heels for someone and will not tell me who!"

"What do you need, Pen?"

" _You_ texted _me_ ," Garcia held up her phone as proof.

JJ looked down at her phone, faintly remembering sending Garcia a text to meet her at her office when she had a chance. "I guess I did," she stood up, "let's go down to the bullpen."

They walked down the stairs and went over to where Reid and Tara's desks were. Rossi was in the kitchen pouring himself a mug of coffee and walked over when he saw them.

"Anyone else need a cup?" He asked.

"I'm good," JJ said, and was followed by everyone else.

"Suit yourself," he took a large sip and cringed, "mmm, burnt, my favorite."

"Are you all free for dinner tonight?" JJ asked, "I was thinking that Italian restaurant a few blocks over."

"There's a Star Trek marathon on tonight I was going to watch," Spencer said.

"Rain check for me as well, I've got a large bottle of wine in my fridge with my name on it," Rossi took another sip of coffee.

"Come on, guys," JJ said.

"I'm down," Tara said.

"Me too!" Garcia exclaimed.

JJ smiled at them, "all of us should really be there," she then looked at Spencer and Rossi, "I promise you won't want to miss it."

Rossi eyed her, "what exactly do you have in mind for this dinner?"

"It's a surprise," JJ said, "you'll just have to show up to find out."

"Did I hear something about a surprise?" Hotch walked up from behind them.

"We're going to get dinner after work, can you come?" JJ asked.

Hotch nodded, "Jack's at a friends tonight."

JJ then turned to look at Rossi and Reid.

"Fine," Rossi held his hands up in defeat, "but this better be a good surprise. And you owe me a bottle of wine."

"I guess I have all the Star Trek DVDs anyway," Reid said.

"Now unless you want this dinner to be at midnight, I suggest you all get back to work," Hotch raised a brow and got a cup of coffee before heading back to his office.


	5. Chapter 5

_**I hope you enjoy the chapter, and why not leave a review?**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

Once they finished their paperwork, or at least a majority of it, the team headed out for dinner. The restaurant was small and dimly lit, it was run by an older couple and known for its amazing food. JJ, Garcia, Hotch, Rossi, Reid, and Lewis sat around the only large table in the restaurant.

"Is someone else joining us?" Rossi asked, nodded toward the empty chairs.

As if on que, Morgan and Savannah walked into the restaurant.

"Hey!"Derek grinned as they walked toward the table. Garcia jumped up and hugged him immediately. Derek had to take a step back to steady himself and laughed. "You'd think you'd missed me or something!"

Garcia stepped back, "how dare you wait this long to come visit!"

"Good to see you too, Babygirl."

"And where's your adorable little boy?" She asked.

"It's a little past his bedtime, so we got a sitter." Derek explained.

"Why don't we let them sit down," Hotch suggested.

"Oh, yeah, okay," Garcia returned to her seat and Derek took the empty seat next to her. Savannah took the seat next to him and Derek took her hand.

"It's good to see the both of you," Hotch smiled.

"You too, man. It's been too long."

"And how are you doing Savannah?" Rossi asked.

"I'm good," she smiled, "I'm back at the hospital part-time. Between that and the two boys, I'm pretty busy."

"I imagine this one can be quite the handful," JJ glanced at Derek.

"Hey!" He exclaimed, "I am very helpful!"

"Of course you are, honey," Savannah smiled at him and then she and JJ broke into laughter.

Rossi laughed too, "I guess this surprise was worth missing out on my 2007 Sassicaia."

"So what would you say if I told you there was another?" JJ asked.

"Another?" Garcia asked, "what could be better than seeing Derek?"

"Oh I imagine you'll really like this next one," Derek said.

" _You_ know what this surprise is?"

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't," he made to lock his lips and throw away the key.

"Derek Morgan, tell me what is going on!"

JJ's phone buzzed, "I'll be right back."

JJ walked out of the restaurant and saw Emily getting out of her car. She struggled with her cane, maneuvering her left leg carefully. When JJ got to the car Emily was standing and shut the door behind her.

"How was your day?" JJ asked, forever stunned at how amazing Emily looked in a turtleneck.

"It was good. Jam packed with reading and daytime television," she smiled, " yours?"

"Just lots of case files."

"I know the feeling."

"Should we go see the team? They're all in the restaurant already."

"Let's do this." They walked side by side to the restaurant and JJ held the door open for Emily as she walked in.

"Emily!" Penelope's shout filled the restaurant as she jumped up and threw her arms around the other woman. Emily took a step back with her left leg and was close to falling down when she felt JJ's arm around her back supporting her.

"Hey there, Pen." Emily laughed, but the weight she was putting on her left leg to keep herself upright was starting to hurt.

Garcia finally let go, "I just can't believe you're here! It's so good to see you!"

"It's good to see you too, it's good to see all of you," Emily looked at the table with the rest of the team.

"Here," JJ pointed out the chair next to hers, "sit. Is your ankle alright?"

"I'm fine," Emily waved her off, but took the seat gratefully.

"What happened to your ankle, are you okay?" Spencer asked, tilting his head slightly.

"Oh, I'm fine," Emily said, "don't worry about it."

"Bad enough for you to need a cane," Hotch raised his eyebrows.

"When I needed a cane it was because I had been shot in the leg," Reid pointed out.

Emily sighed and gave them the same story she had given JJ and Morgan. Or some variation of it. "Now can we stop worrying about my ankle? I want to hear all about everyone! I've missed you all so much."

"I want to hear about you!" Garcia exclaimed, "how's London? How's Mark?" She wiggled her eyebrows suggestively.

"London's good," Emily said, "Interpol's been keeping me busy."

"Still running the London office?" Hotch asked.

Emily nodded.

"And Mark?" Garcia repeated, missing JJ's signal for her to stop.

"We're not together anymore." Emily responded, keeping her voice casual.

Penelope looked horrified, "I'm so sorry! I shouldn't have asked, I wasn't thinking!"

"Don't worry about it," Emily smiled, "it just didn't work out."

"Is there any chance we can convince you to come back to the BAU?" Rossi asked.

"Not this time," Emily shook her head, "sorry."

"Darn," Rossi said, but he smiled.

They all continued to talk after they ordered their food. Emily got caught up on all of their lives. She asked about Jack and about Spencer's mom, and was told countless stories about Sergio with the promise that she could visit him as much as she wanted.

It felt great to be back with the team. It was one of the few places that Emily had ever felt comfortable. The few people she had ever really known and cared for. It was almost too easy to slip back into the role of SSA Emily Prentiss. To tell jokes and laugh with the team. She almost felt normal.

When Emily turned to look at JJ she saw that she was already looking at her. JJ had a smile on her face. Her cheeks were pink and her eyes that same gorgeous shade of blue that made Emily feel like she was looking into the ocean. Emily smiled back and JJ held her gaze for a moment before looking away.

Derek and Savannah told stories about Hank. Reid did a magic trick with a fork and a napkin. Hotch put Jack on speaker phone so that everyone could say 'hi'. Tara and Emily struck up a conversation in French. Rossi poured her a glass of wine from the bottle on the table.

It was almost enough to make her forget why she had come back.

XXX

Emily spent most of the next day while JJ was at work looking through files. She didn't have her Interpol access, but she had managed to get a hold of a few of their written reports. She had to figure out what happened. What had gone wrong. What she had done wrong.

She stared at the words that she had already read a half dozen times, she nearly had them memorized. But maybe if she read it again, this time she would see something, this time would be different. She stared at the words of what had happened that night.

It had been Emily's first case as a handler.

She had been assigned a team of four undercover agents, three women and one man. Their mission was to infiltrate a human trafficking ring in Romania. Her agents had been deep cover for over four months before the first was picked up by the traffickers. Within the next three weeks they were all in.

Emily had been monitoring their work from the outside. She had four other agents working with her. Their mission was to find the people running the human trafficking ring. If they had just taken out the lower level workers, the ring would have built up in a new location.

She had been up for over 36 hours, but kept listening to the audio they were picking up from a bug that had been placed a few weeks earlier. Most of the conversations were in Romanian, but every once in awhile a word or phrase would pop up in English or Russian. Everything was being recorded, but Emily jotted down notes as she listened.

But then she had heard it. What changed everything. It wasn't her agent's cover name that was being said. It was _her_ name. Her _real_ name. That's when Emily knew that their covers had been blown. When she knew they had to go in. They had to get the agents out.

And when they had gotten inside everyone was gone. Except her agents. They were there. Gagged and on their knees.

Emily heard the front door open and closed the file. She slid it into her bag and tucked her bag away. She took a few deep breaths, trying to push the image away. The image of her agents, the image that haunted her mind.

That always brought back the smell of dust and burning flesh and the taste of blood.

She gripped her head with her hands, bent down, trying to forget. Trying to forget.

But needing to remember. Needing to know. Needing the ability to _do something_.

But she heard JJ walking down the hall so she pushed it away. Pushed it down, keeping it hidden away for later. Later, alone, she could analyze and agonize. But not now, not with JJ. Now she had to be okay, she had to smile, she had to laugh.

And she could, she could push it away for now. Because JJ made her laugh and made her smile and made her, for just a moment, feel like it was okay.

But then it came back, it always did, when she was alone, when she couldn't distract herself.

It always came back.

But now, now Emily opened the door from the guest room and walked out. She smiled at JJ who was standing in her room, setting her bag on the floor and her jacket on the bed. "How was work?" Emily asked, leaning against the doorway.

JJ smiled back at her, her sweet, beautiful, smile.

And for just a moment Emily forgot everything else.


	6. Chapter 6

_**Thank you for all of the reviews! I would love to hear more of what you think!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

"Here's to the weekend," Emily raised her glass.

"Thank god," JJ took a gulp of wine and leaned back into the couch, "I don't know how much more paperwork I could handle."

"Now's the time to relax–until you get called back in."

JJ groaned, "don't even say that."

Emily laughed and took a sip of her wine.

"Honestly, Em, I'm so glad you could come visit. You don't even know how much we've all missed you."

"I've missed everyone too," Emily smiled, "but some more than others..."

"What?"

"More wine?" Emily stood and filled their glasses again. They drank and laughed and told stories. Emily felt so warm inside.

"You know I dated Mark for over two months while I was in London? Longest relationship I've had since I left college." Emily's words were beginning to slur.

"And I can't even remember the last time I talked to someone just for the hell of it let alone dated," JJ laughed.

"I guess our jobs aren't the best for relationships. But a girl can try; got your eye on anyone special?"

"Oh, well," JJ fumbled, the alcohol interrupting her usual ability to come up with an easy cover.

Emily raised a brow, "so there _is_ someone!"

"No, well, not exactly."

"Secret crush?"

JJ was suddenly at a loss for words and took another sip of wine to gain time.

"So secret you won't even tell me?" Emily feigned hurt.

"It's nothing," JJ shook her head, "I don't have a 'secret crush'."

"Well if there were to be a secret crush, maybe you should make it not so secret. I can't imagine anyone turning you down, JJ. Anyone would be lucky to be with you," Emily said the last sentence with a seriousness she hadn't had since they started drinking. Then she began to laugh, "you're funny, beautiful, and pretty badass."

By then JJ's cheeks were flushed a bright pink but Emily hadn't noticed. "You never did tell me what happened with Mark," JJ said, trying to change the subject.

"Eh," Emily waved her hand, "the usual."

"The usual? Did you not just hear the whole 'JJ hasn't dated in years' conversation we had about two seconds ago?"

"Here's my only advice to having a relationship; it really helps if you like the person you're dating," Emily slurred.

"You didn't like Mark?"

Emily shrugged, "we were friends, I liked him like that. But it was never anything more than that for me."

"Then why did you date him?" JJ asked.

"He loved me, and I thought that could be enough." Emily locked eyes with JJ and gave her a small smile, but JJ couldn't help but see the sadness beneath. They held their gaze, saying nothing. JJ wanted to reach out and take Emily's hand, but wouldn't let herself.

Then Emily stood up suddenly, "time for more wine."

Emily poured them both more to drink and sat back down. Their conversation stayed lighthearted for the rest of the night. JJ told her stories about the team and at some point Emily decided it was time to dance. Maybe it was the alcohol, but she turned on the radio and the first station that came up was Jazz. She took JJ's hand. She pulled her up from the couch and rested a hand on her hip.

JJ's right hand was in Emily's and she was very aware of Emily's hand on her hip. But three steps in both of them remembered that Emily's leg wasn't up for dancing when she stumbled and they both tumbled onto the couch.

"Are you okay?" JJ asked, concerned.

Emily broke into laughter, rolling onto her back. Then JJ began to laugh. Neither of them knew why they were laughing, or what had been so funny, but the laughter was contagious. They were both on the couch, their bodies close.

"I've missed this," Emily said between gasps for air, "I've missed you."

"Same," JJ reached out and touched Emily's hand. It was warm and soft and sent an electric jolt through JJ's body. She quickly pulled her hand away.

They continued to talk late into the night. More stories and more laughter.

JJ never wanted it to end.


	7. Chapter 7

_**I would love to hear your thoughts.**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

Emily sat on the couch with a book in her hand. She hadn't had much time to read while at Interpol, and was devouring the book she had just bought.

Reading was good, reading helped.

She had read a lot after Doyle. All those months in hiding, in solitude. Books made her feel less alone. Even if they were just characters on a page, in a world that would never exist except on paper, it helped her escape. Escape the loneliness and fear. The pain.

And now she was using it to escape her memories.

Because any world she could hold in her hand was better than her own.

When she was with JJ, when she was with Derek or the team, she could forget. But when she was alone, with nothing to distract her, it became paralysing. The memories, the hurt, the goddamn guilt.

It brought her back to the hospital, laying in the bed, drifting in and out of consciousness, and wishing she were dead. Because she knew, even in that half-awake dream state, that they were dead. She remembered their blood and bodies. She remembered searching desperately for a pulse. She remembered that moment when she knew she had been wrong, when she knew she had failed them.

Because she should not have survived when so many others had died.

It had been her job, _her responsibility_ , to keep them safe. And she had failed.

She had failed.

Emily was no longer looking at her book. She stared away, wrapped up in her own mind. She could feel herself being pulled further and further into the past. She knew it would make things worse, but she didn't stop it, she didn't try.

 _When Emily opened her eyes her head was ringing and there was a buzzing in her ears. The room was filled with dust. Her leg hurt, oh god it hurt. But that was good. Pain was good. It meant she was alive._

 _She felt herself being pulled backward and fought to stand._

" _Prentiss, it's Rogers, we have to get out!"_

 _He helped her to her feet, but she turned to face the room where just moment ago she had seen her agents kneeling, gagged and bound. "We have to get them," she shouted above the ringing in her ears._

 _She tried to run forward, but he pulled her back. "They're gone," he shouted._

 _And when she looked ahead she knew he was right._

" _Come on," Rogers pulled her back and she stumbled._

 _Rogers helped her and they ran back to where the three other agents were retreating. They were at the same door they had entered through when another bomb went off._

 _A scream pierced through the dull roar in Emily's ears. She blinked her eyes open and they burned. She looked down at her own leg and saw a large piece of metal sticking out of her thigh. She tried to stand, but was unable to get off the ground, a scream escaping her lips._

 _She looked around frantically, searching for the others. She saw Smith and Bentley, they were both standing up, looking dazed. Emily continued her search and saw Rogers, who had been next to her when the second explosion had occurred, who had been helping her toward the exit. He was slumped against the cement wall, a piece of shrapnel lodged in his lower stomach._

 _Emily looked down at her own leg. With both hands she took hold of the large piece of metal and gritted her teeth as she pulled it out. She couldn't stop the scream that came, the pain was so agonizing, her vision began to blot. When Emily had regained her breath she dragged herself to Rogers, leaving a trail of blood in her wake._

 _Just by looking at him she knew it was bad. "Where's Diaz?" She shouted, her eyes not leaving Rogers._

"Emily?"

 _Emily looked around trying to find who was calling her name._

"Emily? Are you okay?"

Emily felt a hand on her and jolted forward, she hit her leg on the table in front of her and swore. Her breathing was fast and she felt simultaneously cold and hot. She blinked rapidly, the fog in her vision clearing.

She looked up and saw JJ, her face held so much concern that Emily immediately had to look away. She couldn't see that, not now, not if she wanted to keep some semblance of control. The cushion next to her shifted as JJ sat down. JJ's body was warm next to hers. Her breathing was even. Emily matched it. She breathed in and out in time with JJ and eventually her heart began to slow.

She could breathe.

"It's okay," JJ said softly, "you're okay."

 _If only she knew how wrong she is_ , Emily thought.

JJ waited before speaking again. She listened as Emily's breaths evened and watched her body stop shaking. "What can I do?" She asked.

Emily said nothing, but JJ waited. And then slowly Emily moved her hand, held it out. JJ took it in hers and held it. They sat like that, neither speaking, neither moving except for the gentle circular motions JJ made with her thumb on Emily's hand.

"Talk to me," JJ said.

Emily looked down again. She stared at the floor. Then she looked at her leg where just beneath her thin layer of clothing was a gash, her skin held together by stitches.

She wasn't ready. She couldn't. To say the words out loud, it was more than she could handle.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"Don't be," JJ said, "talk to me when you're ready. I'm here. I'm always here."

They sat like that for a while longer, hand in hand. Then Emily took a few deep breaths and sat up.

"Do you want dinner?" JJ asked.

Emily shook her head, "I'm not hungry."

"How about a movie then?"

Emily agreed and JJ got up to start something. Emily didn't pay much attention to it. Gently she leaned against JJ, her warm body and even breaths calming her. She closed her eyes. She tried not to think about anything but JJ. She thought of her smile, and her laugh, and her bright blue eyes.

She thought of JJ's hand in hers.


	8. Chapter 8

_**This chapter is pretty short, but I'll do my best to get the next one posted soon!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

The movie ended and JJ looked over at Emily who was still leaning against her. Her eyes were closed and her breaths were even. JJ used the remote to turn off the TV and sat in the darkness, listening to Emily breathe. As happy as JJ was for Emily to be back, she couldn't keep pretending that everything was okay. She had known there was more to the story when Emily showed up on her front porch, more than just using vacation days, but she had convinced herself it was nothing.

JJ decided against waking Emily and instead put her arm around her shoulders and leaned back into the couch. She had walked in on something earlier; she could tell that Emily had been stuck in her own head. A memory, something she wasn't ready to share yet, but something that was causing her pain.

It happened to all of them. Certain cases stuck. They culminated in nightmares or insomnia, sometimes anger or fear or pain. It was the reason so many had left. It wasn't easy, it never had been. It never would be.

But Emily, she compartmentalized. She kept everything inside of her, afraid to share it with the team. Always feeling that it was her own to bear. JJ had seen it in her eyes.

Everyone handled the job differently, but that didn't mean they handled it well.

JJ knew what it was like to hold guilt. Hankel had shown her that. The guilt of the ones they couldn't save. She couldn't save.

She knew how terrible it felt to keep it locked inside. Whatever it was.

"JJ?"

JJ turned and saw that Emily's eyes were open.

"Emily."

"How long have I been asleep?"

"Not long," JJ said, "the movie just ended."

"Okay," Emily nodded as she sat up and yawned.

The living room was dark, "what happened in London?"

A minute passed, "nothing."

"Emily..."

"Honestly, Jayje. You know how it is, cases and everything. I'm just tired, things have been busy. I was just thinking about an old case, you startled me."

"A BAU case?" JJ asked.

"No, Interpol."

"What was the case?"

"It's late," Emily sighed, "we're both tired. It's not the time to discuss an old case."

"Okay," JJ said, but she didn't really feel that. "Just know that when you're ready to talk about it, I'm here. Right down the hall actually. I've had cases, ones that have stuck with me, that after all these years I still can't forget. But it helps to talk about them, really."

"Thanks," Emily said as she stood up, "goodnight." She walked down the hall and into the bedroom, closing the door behind her.

JJ sighed and leaned back, closing her eyes. Emily had never been one to talk about what she was thinking or feeling. But JJ wished she would. Because she had a feeling it was more than just an old case.

And she wanted to help, but didn't know how.


	9. Chapter 9

_**I hope you have a good weekend!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

After Emily's first week in the states, the BAU got called to a case in Wisconsin. JJ had called and left a message that she was leaving straight from the Bureau and would call again when she had a chance.

Emily had known this would happen, it was already too good to be true that JJ had had a week off from a case. That night she sat on the couch and flipped through channels until she landed on an old Hitchcock film. She had laid down and her eyes were starting to close when the phone rang.

"Prentiss," she answered.

"Hey, Emily," it was JJ on the other line, "sorry for calling so late."

Emily sat up, immediately woken by JJ's voice, "that's okay, I know how it is."

"I guess you do," JJ said.

There was something in her voice that Emily immediately recognized. She had heard it enough times while she was at the BAU. "Is it a bad one?" She asked.

"Yeah," JJ sighed, "the UNSUBs are kidnapping women and holding them for at least three days."

"You said UNSUBs," Emily said, "is it more than one?"

"That's the thing," JJ said, "the profile points to one UNSUB, but there are bite marks on the victims. We have at least three distinct bite patterns."

"Three," Emily repeated. These kinds of UNSUBs usually worked alone, and in the case that there was a pair, one was usually dominant and the other submissive, it would be unlikely that both of their bite marks would be found on a body."

"Another woman went missing last night, we've been working on it all day, but we have nothing. Hotch sent us back to the hotel, but there's no way I'm going to be able to sleep."

Emily adjusted herself so the blanket was around her shoulders, "do you want to talk?"

"I don't want to keep you up," JJ said.

"You're not," Emily said, "I'm not tired, I've just been flipping through channels, nothing good is on."

"I just can't figure out what we're missing here," JJ said, accepting Emily's response, "the profile points at a single white male 25-40 years of age, but the evidence on the body is contradicting that."

Emily sat there and thought, "is it possible not all of the bite marks belong to UNSUBs? Could it be other victims who are forced to do it?"

"We're pretty sure he's only holding one woman at a time. He picks them up on Thursday night and dumps their bodies Monday morning."

"If he's keeping them for the weekend, why does he kidnap the women on Thursday instead of Friday? If he's employed, is that more convenient for him, or does he not work Fridays?"

"I'll have Pen look into that."

XXX

The next day Emily was driving down the road, a paper bag filled with hot Chinese food sitting on the passenger seat. She was bored and had decided to surprise Garcia with some food. But really, JJ's house was starting to feel too quiet.

She slowed at a yellow light and stopped before the intersection. The smell of their dinner filled the car and made Emily's stomach growl. The light turned green and she checked both ways before pulling forward again. A billboard caught the corner of her eye and she gave it a double take, slamming on her breaks without even thinking.

There was a loud honk behind her, "sorry," Emily muttered, but her mind was elsewhere.

She continued to drive forward and turned into the first parking lot. She pulled out her cell and called JJ, but after six rings it went to voicemail. She left a brief message and then called Hotch.

"Hotchner," he answered.

"Check dentists," Emily said quickly.

"What? Prentiss?"

"Yes it's Emily. I think your UNSUB is a dentist. That would explain all of the different bite marks, but the profile only indicating one UNSUB. Dentists make dental molds all the time."

"We'll look into it," Aaron said, "thanks for your input."

"Of course," Emily said before hanging up. She glanced back at the billboard advertising for free dental cleanings before pulling out of the parking lot and heading to the BAU.

XXX

"Hey Pen," Emily stuck her head into the open door, "do you have a second?"

"Emily! Come in," Garcia greeted from her seat.

Emily walked into the office, holding up a large bag, "I come bearing Chinese food."

"I knew there was a reason we were friends," Garcia joked as Emily sat down and then startled her by shouting, "no food by the computers," when Emily began to take the cartons out.

Emily looked around the table, almost every square inch seemed to be covered in technology, "Uh, Pen," she nodded to the table in front of her.

"Good thing I've thought this through," Garcia swiveled in her chair and pulled out a foldable table about the size of a large tray. She set it behind their chairs and Emily moved the food there.

"Any update on the case?"

"I'm waiting to hear back from the team, but they're getting close."

As if on cue, the phone rang and Garcia answered it on speaker, "you've got the beautiful tech genius and her super spy sidekick."

"That you, Emily?" JJ asked.

"Yeah," Emily affirmed, "just bringing a food delivery."

"Pen, I need you to look up a list of people who work in a dentist office in the twenty mile radius around the dump sites. This person would have to have some technical knowledge of X-rays and dental casts."

"Okay," Garcia said, typing away at her computer, "wow these Wisconsin's must have nice teeth, because they sure do have a lot of dentists."

"Okay, look for people with higher education. Take out anyone with multiple complaints against them and take out any women."

"Give me just a second..." Garcia trailed off, "I've got 8."

"That's still too many," JJ said.

"Look for offices that are only open Monday through Thursday or part-time dentists," Emily added.

Garcia typed something into her computer, "aha," she said, "and that's why you are my super spy sidekick."

"Garcia," JJ said, her voice impatient.

"Sorry," Garcia said as she continued to type, "I got one guy for you, Dr. Henry Seaborn, I've sent all his info to you my darling."

"Thanks, Garcia."

Emily had long forgotten the Chinese food behind her. This was bringing her back to what it was like working at the BAU. They sat in silence as they waited for the team to arrive at the UNSUB's house. Garcia had been patched into the team's intercom system, so fifteen minutes later Emily could hear them communicating as they approached the UNSUB's house. The radio then went silent until Hotch and Rossi shouted "FBI" almost simultaneously.

Heavy breaths came over the speaker along with a few faint "clear"s. Emily was holding her breath, she hated not being there, she hated sitting aside and listening as it went down.

"FBI, show me your hands!" Hotch shouted.

Three cracks sounded. Emily pulled her head down instinctively at the sound of the explosions. She held herself there, waiting. She didn't want to look up, not yet, not with knowing what she was going to see. She could smell the smoke and blood and knew that in front of her were the mangled bodies of her agents. She waited for the rest of the explosions to come.

"Emily."

She heard someone say her name faintly. She knew she had to look up, she had to face what she had caused. When she did, she blinked. She looked over and it was Garcia next to her, not Rogers. Then she looked over at the speaker.

"What happened?" She turned to Garcia, "Are they okay?"

"The team is okay," she said, "no one was hurt."

Emily blinked again, she was in the warehouse, Rogers was pulling her back. Garcia spoke to her again. There was a sharp pain in her leg and she flinched, seeing the shrapnel lodged there. The second bomb exploded, then the third.

Her eyes watered and she pulled her hands to her ears to stop the ringing.

"Emily?"

Garcia was next to her, saying her name.

Emily looked down at her hands, they were shaking.

She had to get out of there. She stood to leave, but forgot her cane and stumbled forward when she put too much weight on her bad leg. She caught herself with the palms of her hands and clumsily stood. Garcia was saying something, but Emily wasn't listening. All she was focused on was getting her cane and getting out of the office. Getting out of the building.

When she finally got her cane she started out of the office moving as fast as she could. The smell of blood still filled her nose and her lungs burned of smoke. She could see Diaz, see her take her last breath. She blinked back tears and exited to the parking lot.

Emily didn't know how she made it back to JJ's. It was a wonder she had made it at all. When she got there she paced back and forth, unable to sit still. She poured herself a glass of wine and took a gulp before abandoning it on the kitchen counter. She sat on the couch and finally rested her head in her hands.

She stood up again and walked down the hall, checking each of the windows.

Then she circled back to the kitchen and leaned against the counter.


	10. Chapter 10

_**Thank you for the reviews, follows, and favorites!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Mind**_

* * *

When JJ got back to the house all of the lights were off.

She was exhausted, but had gotten little sleep on the plane ride back. Garcia had called her just as she was boarding and now JJ couldn't get that conversation out of her head. It was past two in the morning when JJ opened the front door and walked into her house.

She set her briefcase down and hung her jacket over a chair in the kitchen. JJ turned and let out a small startled gasp when she saw Emily sitting on the couch. It was dark and there was a bottle of wine and an empty glass on the coffee table.

Emily didn't appear to be looking at her, but was instead staring off into space.

"Emily?" JJ asked, walking toward her.

Emily turned suddenly, her eyes unfocused, her hand reaching toward her side.

"It's just me!" JJ held up her hands in front of her.

Emily's hands froze and she blinked before looking at JJ. "Hey," she said quickly, then coughed to clear her throat. "I guess I didn't hear you come in."

"Yeah," JJ nodded, "mind if I have a glass?" she gestured toward the bottle of wine.

Emily shrugged, "it's yours anyway."

JJ got a glass from the kitchen and filled it halfway before sitting on the couch.

"How was the case?" Emily asked without looking at her.

"We got him," JJ said, "thanks to you. Hotch told me you called with the dentist tip."

"You would've gotten him anyway."

"Maybe, but definitely not as fast. We were able to save her.

"And you're okay?"

"I'm okay," JJ confirmed, "the UNSUB got off a few shots, but no one was hit."

Emily nodded and JJ turned to look at her. "Are you okay, Em?"

"What?" She asked, then, "yeah, I'm fine."

"Garcia called me after you left."

"Oh, that was nothing, I just tripped. I'm okay," Emily insisted.

"You know you can talk to me, right? About anything."

"I know," Emily said, looking down, "but I'm fine," she looked up at JJ and smiled.

"Is your ankle okay?" JJ asked, "Did you hurt it when you fell?"

"I said I was fine," Emily repeated, her voice low.

"Emily," JJ said, "whatever's going on..."

"Stop," Emily said, "just stop. Stop trying to profile me. Stop trying to figure me out. And when I say I'm fine, then I'm fine." And with that Emily stood. She left the room and walked down the hall. She closed the guest room door behind her without looking back.

JJ stayed sitting on the couch. Garcia's call had worried her. Emily had seemed to react when she heard the gunshots over the speaker and had then left suddenly. JJ had called her three times on her way back from Wisconsin, but each time the calls had gone to voicemail.

When she got up she stopped by the guest room before walking to her own, but Emily wasn't there. However, JJ could hear the shower running in the bathroom. In her own bathroom JJ took off her clothes and stepped into the hot shower.

Thoughts of Emily and the case were racing in her mind.

She leaned her head against the cold tile and sighed.

XXX

The next morning JJ woke up to the smell of bacon. She blinked a few times to clear her vision and looked over at the clock, it was half past seven. She pulled the blanket away and stood, brushing her hair back with her fingers before pulling it into a ponytail. It was bright outside and she yawned.

When she got to the kitchen JJ sat down at the counter and rubbed her eyes. Emily was at the stove and appeared to be making bacon and pancakes.

"How long have you been up?" JJ asked, a yawn interrupting her mid-sentence.

Emily turned and smiled when she saw her, "not long, I hope I didn't wake you."

"I would gladly be woken up by pancakes and bacon any day," JJ smiled back.

"They're just about done." Emily turned back to the stove and moved three pancakes over to a plate that was already stacked four high. The bacon was moved to another plate and then Emily carried them both over to the counter.

"Coffee?"

"Yes, please."

Emily poured them both mugs and then got plates and forks before settling herself next to JJ.

JJ was on her second pancake when she realized that Emily hadn't started eating yet. She looked over and saw her smiling. JJ tilted her head, her brows drawn together.

"I just wanted to apologize," Emily said finally.

"What for?" JJ asked.

"For last night. I didn't mean to be short with you. I know that you were just concerned."

"It's okay," JJ said, taking one of Emily's hands in hers, "I care about you, okay? And sometimes that means I worry."

Emily nodded, "I know. I care about you too."

"And if you want to talk about anything at all, I'm here, okay?"

"I know," Emily smiled, "I just want you to know that I really am fine. And you don't need to worry."

JJ squeezed her hand.

But she didn't believe Emily. She didn't believe Emily when she said she was fine. And she didn't believe Emily when she said JJ didn't have to worry. Because something was going on, but JJ knew Emily well enough to know that pressing her about it wouldn't get them anywhere.

So instead she would just have to make sure Emily knew she was there. So when she was ready to talk, she could.

JJ let go of Emily's hand, "now you should probably eat some of these pancakes, or I might eat them all," she smiled.

Emily put one on her plate along with a piece of bacon and nibbled at it while JJ finished eating. Emily watched her pour her coffee into a travel mug and grab her briefcase.

"I'll see you tonight?" JJ asked.

"I'll be here," Emily confirmed.

Emily stared at the front door long after it had closed behind JJ. That feeling, the one she had felt on the plane, it had never really left, but now she felt it with such intensity. She had spent most of her adult life–most of her life–alone. And that had been okay, no, it had been good. At the very least it had been necessary.

But now she couldn't stop thinking about JJ. She hadn't slept at all the last night, had barely been able to close her eyes. But the only thing that kept her mind off those terrible memories was JJ. So all night she had thought of JJ. And even now.


	11. Chapter 11

_**Sorry for the long wait on this chapter! I would love to hear what you think, why not leave a review?**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

When JJ got back from work that evening the first thing she heard was jazz music. It filled the whole house with smooth sound of saxophones and trumpets. She walked into the living room and found Emily sitting on the floor, both legs outstretched, surrounded by puzzle pieces. A half finished picture of the ocean rested in front of her.

"Are you planning out your use of the rest of your vacation days?" JJ asked.

Emily turned her head and smiled, "it was this or knitting."

"You could have made me a sweater," JJ laughed and sat down next to her, leaning her back against the couch.

"How was your day?" Emily asked as she fit a piece into the puzzle.

"Just the usual, I did some paperwork and a few consults. How was your day?"

"I bought this puzzle," Emily gestured in front of her, "and then I worked on it. Real exciting, I know," she looked over at JJ and grinned.

"Would you like to take a break from it and go out for dinner? There's no way I'm cooking tonight."

"Sounds good to me," Emily said, "after my exhausting day of puzzling, I'm not sure I could bear cooking a meal," she laughed.

JJ stood and then offered Emily a hand, making sure to avoid stepping on the puzzle. Then she handed Emily her cane. "Let me go change."

XXX

A half hour later Emily and JJ walked into a dimly lit Italian restaurant. They followed the waiter to their table and ordered drinks. Emily looked up from her menu and caught her breath. JJ had changed into a low cut light blue shirt and was wearing a beautiful pink lipstick.

JJ looked up, but Emily didn't look away fast enough. JJ knew that Emily had been looking at her, but didn't know why. She smiled at Emily, "do you know what you're getting?"

Emily looked down at the menu quickly, embarrassed to admit she hadn't looked at it yet because she had been too preoccupied watching JJ. "The Penne Rosa," she said quickly, "how about you?"

"I think I will get the Fettuccini Alfredo."

The two of them talked, about work, their lives, and sometimes nothing. The conversation felt so comfortable, so natural. Emily hadn't realized how much she had missed this. She didn't have friends at Interpol. Partially because she traveled so much, each time with different teams, she never worked with anyone long enough to make a connection, and partially because she wouldn't allow herself to.

She had convinced herself that she didn't need people in her life. She didn't need friends, she didn't need a significant other. It was the same thing she had told herself before she joined the BAU. It had always been easier that way. But once she joined the FBI and met her team, she couldn't help but let them into her life. She had never met anyone before that cared for her in that way. A way that went past work hours and work duties.

And with JJ it was more. The way she cared. The way she kept pressing when Emily wouldn't talk to her. Because Emily wanted to. But she couldn't. That didn't come easy for her, it never had. She felt guilty every time JJ tried to make her feel better, everytime JJ tried to help, and she blew her off. But what was any more guilt? It was barely noticeable in the mountain already present.

They ate their food and kept talking. JJ kept finding chances to glance at Emily, she couldn't help but wonder at her beauty. Since the first day she had met Emily she had wondered how any one woman could be so beautiful, intelligent, caring, and complex.

When the bill came JJ picked it up, but Emily put her hand on it. "Let me."

"I've got it," JJ said.

"JJ," Emily said, keeping her hand on the bill, "you have done so much already. Letting me stay with you... I know this isn't much, but let me get the bill."

JJ nodded and held it forward. Emily took it from her and as she did, her fingers brushed JJ's hand. They both felt an electric jolt in their bodies, but neither said a thing. And neither knew the other felt the same.


	12. Chapter 12

_**Thank you so much for the reviews, I love hearing what you all think :) I would love to hear from you again!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

At work the next day JJ was antsy. She couldn't sit still. She would get halfway through a report before feeling like she needed to stand up and move. She recognized the feeling, the sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach combined with the fast beating of her heart. It was the way she felt any time she thought about coming out to anyone. It was the same feeling that had kept her quiet for so long. That and the fear of losing people.

But she couldn't wait, she couldn't. Everytime she saw Emily she knew, she knew that she loved her. And she couldn't stand not saying anything.

She stood up for the upteenth time and was pacing back and forth when Rossi arrived at her doorway.

"Everything alright?" He asked.

"Yeah," JJ nodded, "I just can't quite seem to sit still."

"Come on, let's go grab a coffee."

"Did you need something?" She asked, indicating the file in his hand.

"It can wait," he assured her, "and if I have any hopes of staying awake, I need a cup of joe and I could sure use some company."

JJ nodded and grabbed her bag, following Rossi out of her office and down the stairs into the bullpen. They walked in comfortable silence to the kitchen where Rossi took a sniff of the coffee and made a face, "I thought we had a rule about letting Reid make the coffee."

"He sure seems to be enjoying it," they looked over at the four mugs Spencer had at his desk.

"Come on, there should be a coffee cart around here somewhere."

The two of them walked out of the bullpen and into the hall. They walked around for a few minutes, "so what's on your mind?" Rossi asked.

"What?" JJ asked.

"What's on your mind?" He repeated.

"Nothing really, just this case."

"Sure," Rossi said, clearly not believing her.

"What is it this time?" JJ asked.

"I just think there's something other than work on your mind. I'm here if you want to talk about it, but if not, we can continue our search for coffee in silence."

They turned the corner and passed by the White Collar Crime unit. They passed a few people in the hall who nodded at them. The lack of conversation gave JJ too much time with her own thoughts. She had thought about coming out to the team before, countless number of times. But every time it came back to the same thing; this was the only thing she had. They were the only people in her life. If they rejected her she would have nothing.

Rossi stopped and began to sniff at the air, "the coffee is near," he spoke dramatically. They took a right and found a coffee cart that was parked by a small open area with tables and benches. They walked up and JJ and Rossi both ordered black coffees. JJ reached for her wallet, but Rossi stopped her and handed the barista a ten.

Once they both had their cups they found a small table and sat down.

"So what's the verdict?" Rossi asked, "are you going to tell me what's going on, or are we going to be forced to partake in small talk?"

JJ sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, "it's just..." she trailed off and shook her head.

"Not ready to talk about it yet, that's okay. Just know that whatever is going on, the team is here for you, you're not alone." He rested his hand on JJ's, "this team will stand by you, and nothing will change that."

JJ saw the honesty in his face.

She didn't know how much longer she could do this. How much longer she could hide this part of herself. How much longer she could live with a piece of herself missing.

And she no longer knew if she had to.

XXX

Emily sat on the couch with a cup of coffee in her hand. The TV was on but she gave it no attention. Her eyes were tired and her head hurt. All she could hope was that the coffee would help. That the coffee would make up for the lack of sleep she had gotten last night. The lack of sleep she would get tonight.

She took a sip of coffee and sighed. She hadn't realized how comfortable she had become in JJ's home. In a way she never had been before, even in her own flat in London. But she would have to leave. Eventually, whichever way Interpol's investigation went, she would have to return.

And the thought of leaving all of this hurt. More than she would have expected. Because this was the first sime she had truly let herself feel her love for JJ. The first time she had realized for herself how head over heels she was for this woman.

She wished things could have been different.

XXX

When JJ got back from work she found Emily asleep on the couch. There was a mug of coffee in her hand that was dangerously close to tipping. JJ gently picked it up and set it on the counter. She took the blanket from the edge of the couch and laid it across Emily's body.

JJ looked at Emily and couldn't help but smile.


	13. Chapter 13

**Hello! I hope you all have a good weekend. Why not leave a review? :)**

 **I do not own Criminal Minds**

* * *

JJ woke up to a hand on her shoulder and Emily gently saying her name.

"Jayje," Emily spoke quietly.

JJ opened her eyes and blinked a few times to clear them. The living room was dark and she was still sitting on the floor, slumped against the couch. She looked over to her right and Emily was sitting on the couch looking down at her, looking like she too had just woken.

"If you stay like that much longer you won't be able to move your neck in the morning," Emily lifted her hand from JJ's shoulder.

JJ sat up, turning her head from left to right and groaned at the pain in her neck, "well at least I can move it," she grimaced.

"Here," Emily moved so that she was sitting on the couch behind JJ, her legs on either side of the other woman. She rested her hands on JJ's shoulders. "Can I give you a neck massage? It might help."

"That would be great." JJ felt the other woman's cold hands on her neck as they gently worked to loosen her tight muscles. "What time is it anyway?"

"Just about nine."

JJ sighed, "a three hour nap and now I probably won't be able to sleep until four."

"Well, I'm always willing to keep you company," Emily offered. She couldn't help but notice how soft and warm JJ's skin was beneath her hands. She moved JJ's hair to the side and continued to massage her shoulders, moving down her back just a bit before returning to her neck.

JJ leaned back, her body beginning the relax, her shoulders losing some of their tension. She closed her eyes, letting the wave of relaxation pass over her.

She wanted to tell Emily, right now, how much she loved her.

But not tonight. Not while they were both bleary eyed and half asleep.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow she would do her best to get home early. They could have a nice dinner, and then, then she would tell her.

XXX

The next evening JJ checked on the chicken in the oven while Emily started making the salad. They kept the conversation casual as they made dinner, but JJ couldn't keep her thoughts from jumping around. She had to tell Emily tonight, she had to. She didn't know how much longer she could go without telling Emily how she really felt. But even though she knew she had to do it, it didn't make it any less terrifying.

All she could think about was how wrong it could go.

JJ had been getting the feeling that Emily may feel the same... but that could have also been wishful thinking.

What if Emily laughed at her? What if she left? What if she didn't want to be friends anymore?

Those questions all felt both ridiculous and all too realistic at the same time.

But she had to do it. She couldn't keep this bottled up any longer. No matter what happened, she wouldn't have to keep her feelings hidden anymore. But she was terrified.

Emily was tossing the salad and glanced over at JJ. She looked so serious, but also didn't seem to realize she had given them both two forks. Seemingly she was caught up in her own thoughts. Despite not wanting to be caught staring, Emily couldn't look away. It wasn't only JJ's beauty that drew Emily to her, but everything. Her kindness and laughter, intelligence and smile. The way she made her feel at home wherever she was. The way JJ could make her smile even when Emily had been pulled into her own dark thoughts.

JJ looked over at her and Emily immediately looked away. She went back to tossing the salad. JJ walked into the kitchen and took out the chicken and while she did that Emily replaced a fork each with a knife.

The silence remained as they moved the food to the table and they sat down. Both of their plates had chicken, green beans, and a salad on it before they spoke.

"This chicken is great, JJ," Emily said after her first bite.

"Thanks."

While she continued to eat, Emily watched JJ. She seemed distracted. Something was off, but Emily wasn't sure what.

JJ didn't taste the food as she ate. Her mind was running too fast. It was going over scenarios and possibilities, wearing itself out. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe she just shouldn't say anything. Being friends was better than nothing, and she didn't want to lose that.

Emily cleared her throat and JJ looked up.

"I just asked if you were okay?" Emily asked, concerned.

"Oh," JJ said. The way Emily looked at her... her dark eyes and soft lips. She couldn't wait.

JJ looked down at her food and then back up. She was trying to muster up courage. She didn't want her voice to shake as she spoke, but it might be unavoidable. "I just... wanted to tell you something."

"What is it?" Emily asked.

JJ took a deep breath, it was hard to look at Emily as she spoke. "We've been friends for almost ten years now," she started, "you've been the best friend I could have ever asked for. And even when you were gone... I couldn't stop thinking about you." JJ's voice had begun to shake, "I like you, Em," she said, "more than..." she shook her head. Her eyes begged Emily to understand what she was trying to say.

Emily froze. There was no way she could be hearing this right. She must have misunderstood, or maybe this was all a dream. She would wake up alone in her flat in London. Her heart, which had seemed to stop beating for a moment, was suddenly racing. Her palms were sweating.

Emily wanted to say something, she tried to, but nothing would come out. This was what she had been dreaming of, but now she was just sitting there.

"It's fine, just forget I said anything," JJ said quickly, starting to stand.

"No," Emily finally managed to say.

"What?" JJ asked.

"No, don't–" Emily took a deep breath, "don't leave."

JJ stood there and looked at her. Everything seemed to freeze while she waited to see what Emily was going to say.

"I just can't believe that I heard you right," Emily said, "because I have been waiting so damn long to hear those words. I've gone over what this moment would be like so many times in my head. I was usually much more composed."

"So you–?"

"Yes, JJ. Yes." Emily stood so that she was looking right at JJ. JJ's bright blue eyes stared right back at her. Emily bit her lip and brushed a strand of blonde hair away from JJ's face. "Can I kiss you?"

JJ smiled and laughed in relief, "yes," she said, "yes, of course you can."

Emily brought her face to JJ's and felt her soft lips against hers. She ran her fingers through JJ's hair and felt JJ's own hands find her hips. Their lips moved together and Emily felt the warmth of JJ's body against hers. Emily didn't know how long they stood there, JJ's hips swaying just enough to drive her crazy. Emily moved her own hands from JJ's hair to her face, feeling the smooth edge of her jawline.

When they finally pulled apart JJ gasped, "wow."

"So, wanna finish the green beans?" Emily asked, a brow raised.

"Not really."

"I overcooked them anyway," Emily grinned.

JJ took Emily's free hand and began to walk backwards out of the dining room and down the hall. Emily followed, unable to keep her eyes off of JJ. Her blue eyes were bright and her cheeks flushed. When they were in the bedroom JJ sat on the edge of her bed and Emily sat next to her, dropping her cane to the floor. JJ turned so that she was facing Emily.

"Now can I kiss _you_?"

"Yeah," Emily nodded.

JJ tangled her hands in Emily's dark hair. Their lips came together, harder this time. Emily put her hands on the small of JJ's back and laid her own back against the bed so that JJ was straddling her.

JJ's heart was beating uncontrollably and her hair hung on either side of Emily's face. When she pulled back she saw Emily's dark and beautiful eyes. She stared into them for what felt like an eternity. But she had never done this before. Been this close to someone she felt this strongly about. She tucked her hair behind her ears so that it was just their unobstructed faces.

"What do you want to do?"

Emily so badly wanted to say more, but then she remembered the cuts on her chest. The wound on her leg. The things she had been trying so hard to keep away from JJ. That if they went any further everything she had hidden would be exposed.

"Can we just..." Emily started, hesitant, she glanced away.

JJ moved herself so she was no longer straddling the other woman, but instead sat beside her on the bed, "what is it, Em?" she asked, watching her closely.

Emily glanced back at JJ and saw the softness in her eyes, "I don't think I'm, you know, ready, for... I'm sorry," she said quickly and looked away again.

"You never have to be sorry," JJ used her hand to turn Emily's face until she was looking at her, "and we never have to do anything you don't want to or anything you aren't ready for."

"Could we maybe, just, just lay for a while?"

"Of course," JJ smiled. She got up and laid on her usual side of the bed, her hands behind her head, waiting to see what Emily did. Emily moved over toward her and laid beside her, resting her head on JJ's shoulder. JJ moved her arm so that it wrapped around Emily's shoulder. Emily's body was warm against her.

JJ closed her eyes with a smile on her face.


	14. Chapter 14

_**I hope you're all having a good weekend, and thank you so much for the reviews, I absolutely love hearing from each of you!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

When JJ woke up the next morning Emily was gone. She rolled over and looked at the empty space in the bed beside her. She almost couldn't believe that the night before was real. She had finally told Emily how she felt, and not only had Emily not rejected her, she had also felt the same. JJ could still almost taste Emily's lips; sweet and just slightly chapped.

She sighed before getting up, it was time to go to work, although ideally she would have just lied in bed forever with the memories of last night.

After changing into her work clothes JJ's walked into the kitchen, expecting to see Emily there with a cup of coffee in hand, but the room was empty. JJ checked the guest room and the bathroom in case she had gone in either, but just as with the kitchen, empty.

"Emily?" She called out while looking to see if Emily had left a note telling her where she had gone. With no response, JJ pulled out her phone and called her, letting the phone ring until it reached voicemail. She left a short message and hung up.

Emily had probably just gone to the store, or the library, or on a walk.

But JJ couldn't stop the sinking feeling that Emily had left because of last night. That she regretted being with her or that she thought it had all been a mistake. That she didn't want to be with JJ. She tried calling again, this time hanging up before she heard Emily's voice mail.

 _It's nothing,_ JJ tried to convince herself. But she didn't believe that.

XXX

The bench Emily sat on was still wet with dew. She looked out at the lake and bit her lip. The sun had now risen past the tree line. Emily had been up since nearly four. She had gone to bed with JJ feeling amazing, it was everything she had ever dreamt of. But then she woke up in the dark room, only the sound of JJ's soft breathing could be heard. And then she had seen JJ, so peaceful in her sleep and so goddamn beautiful.

And then came the crushing guilt.

For years she had imagined being with JJ, being able to hold her, and now it had finally happened. And Emily felt terrible. She had been happy, happier than she had been in a long time, and that had lasted until she woke up in the middle of the night.

Because she didn't deserve this. Happiness, or love, or JJ, or any of it. She didn't deserve it. She shouldn't even be alive–not when so many others had died. While she had been lying in bed with JJ last night, six of her agents had been laying in caskets.

Emily watched as a duck glided across the lake, followed by six ducklings. They swam to the edge and climbed out and then waddled over to the tall grass. She stayed there, just staring out at the lake. The sun rose higher in the sky and the air around her began to warm.

Finally Emily stood and walked back to her car. She drove around for awhile, no destination in mind, just not ready to go back to the house. Then, without really thinking about it, she pulled up to the gates of the cemetery and waited for them to open.

She parked her car and walked down the winding path. Her leg hurt, and even with the help of her cane she grimaced with the movement.

There was a light breeze and a great deal of shade. She had been here only once before, a few months after she had come out of hiding. The gravestone had still been there. _Her_ gravestone. It was gone now, replaced with another.

The first time she had seen her name engraved in the stone, it had almost been too much. Like when she had seen her own picture on the FBI wall of fallen agents.

She tried not to think about that night, but when she did, she thought about how close she had come to dying. If Derek had been just a minute later, she may have bled out on that cement floor. She had been in and out of consciousness at that point, but she still remembered his words. They had stuck with her even after all that time.

She stood there, just staring out. All the graves, all the lives once lived. More than once she had come close to being alongside them. Yet somehow she always managed to stay.

She had missed their funerals because she had still been in the hospital. She hadn't been able to pay her respects.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.


	15. Chapter 15

_**I hope you are all having a good week. Thanks for reading, I would love to hear what you think!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

JJ had called Emily another three times while at the office. They all went to voicemail. By the time JJ was driving back from the BAU her body was tense and her stomach was in knots.

What if Emily thought it had been a mistake?

What if she didn't come back?

Thoughts had been circling JJ's mind all day.

When she pulled up to her house she was surprised to see Emily's rental parked in the driveway. JJ grabbed her bag and locked the car behind her. She opened the front door and walked inside.

She was quiet, listening.

She saw Emily's cellphone sitting on the dining room table. She set her bag down and walked down the hall. Her own door was open and the room empty, so she knocked on the guest room door.

It creaked open and Emily looked back at her.

She had clearly just gotten out of the shower, her hair was still wet and her usually pale skin pink from the hot water. JJ noticed the exhaustion on her face. But other than that, she couldn't read anything in the other woman's expression.

"Hey," was all that JJ could think to say.

"Hey back."

"Can we talk?" JJ asked.

Emily opened the door wide enough for her to step in the hallway and then closed it behind herself. She stood there, looking at JJ, trying to keep it inside. Trying to keep the guilt and uncertainty and confusion and fear away. Trying not to let JJ see everything that was building inside of her.

"Should we sit?" JJ asked.

Emily used her cane for support as she followed JJ down the hall and to the couch. They sat beside each other, JJ was turned slightly so she could look at Emily. Emily's expression was still neutral and it made JJ nervous. Because she knew something was there, but it was something Emily wasn't letting her see.

"Did I– did I do something wrong last night?" JJ blurted out.

"What?" Emily's eyes widened, "no, not at all."

"Then what happened?" JJ asked, "why did you leave?"

"I don't know, Jayje," Emily shook her head, "this–you–this is everything I've ever..." she stopped.

JJ waited. She sat there, her eyes locked on the woman beside her.

Emily sighed, "when I joined the BAU, you were the only person who made me feel welcome." A phantom of a smile crossed her lips, "and I remember, that first time I saw you, thinking how beautiful you were. And then we started to work together, and I saw how intelligent and caring and good at your job you were. It didn't take long for me to fall in love with you," she whispered.

JJ was frozen. Hearing Emily say those words in any other situation would have made her ecstatic. But right now, here, the way Emily spoke, the way she clutched her hands together, picking at her nails, it wasn't right. Something wasn't right, but JJ couldn't figure out what it was.

"I don't understand, Em, if this, if this is how you feel, then what happened?"

Emily looked down at her hands, "you deserve someone who can make you happy, JJ. You deserve someone good."

"And that's why I want you," JJ breathed, "because _you_ make me happy. And _you_ make me feel a way I never have before. It's you, for a long time, it's been you."

"How could you want me?" Emily asked.

"How could I not?" JJ gently used her fingers to lift Emily's chin, "I have never met anyone who fights so hard to protect people as you do. Who is as intelligent and as thoughtful and as passionate as you are."

Emily looked back at JJ, looked into her eyes. She listened to JJ's words and tried to believe them.

"And I know," JJ held her gaze, "that sometimes it's hard to remember that even when we do our very best, when we do everything we can, that sometimes we can't always save the day. But that doesn't mean we didn't try. And that doesn't mean what happens is our fault."

Emily bit her lip and her eyes glistened with tears. Because somehow JJ knew just what to say. Somehow JJ always knew just what to say.

"And whatever's happened, Emily, you are not alone. I don't ever want you to think that you are. You don't have to fight this on your own. And you don't deserve this pain."

A tear slipped down Emily's cheek.

"And I'm here, Emily, I'm here." JJ took Emily's hands in hers and Emily gripped them tightly.

Maybe she didn't have to keep this inside. Maybe she didn't have to do this alone.

"There was a case," she whispered, "right before I came here. It was bad."

"What happened?" JJ asked gently.

Emily took in a breath, but she couldn't say more. Because every time she thought about it, the guilt and shame choked her. She couldn't say it. Not to JJ. She tried to speak, but nothing would come out. Her breaths came fast, she couldn't breathe. She was choking. Gasping for air.

JJ's hand was suddenly on her back, rubbing it gently, having her lean forward, "it's okay," JJ said, "you're okay. Just breathe, nice and slow. In and out."

Emily closed her eyes and listened to JJ's voice, following her directions, until she could breathe again.

"What do you need?" JJ asked, her warm hand still resting against Emily's back.

"I don't know," Emily whispered. Because all she wanted right now was to forget. To forget and be with JJ. To make this feeling go away.

What she needed was for it to have never happened.

But it had.

It had.

And now she was left with this. This feeling. One she deserved, but one she was trying so desperately to keep away. The nightmares. The flashbacks.

And she didn't know what she needed.

All she knew what that she wanted it to go away.

She needed these feelings to go away.

Even if it was just for a minute.

She needed a minute without the pain. She needed a minute where she could breathe.

But talking brought it back. Saying their names just brought back images of their deaths. Reminded her of how she couldn't save them. Reminded her of how she had failed them. Talking brought back the pain. And she just needed a minute.

And Emily didn't realize she was crying until she felt JJ's arm around her.

"I can't," she gasped, "I can't, I can't talk about it. I'm sorry."

"It's okay," JJ whispered as she held Emily close, "we don't have to talk about it. Not until you're ready. Whatever happened, whatever's hurting you, you're not alone. Even if you can't talk about it yet, I'm here. I'm always here."

And JJ held Emily in her arms as she cried. She held her close and whispered to her gently. And JJ's heart broke. It broke to see the woman she loved in so much pain. And all that she wanted to do was take that pain away.

But it wouldn't be that easy. JJ knew that.

"I love you," she whispered.


	16. Chapter 16

_**Sorry about the long wait for this update, I was having a hard time getting this chapter finished. As always, thank you so much for the reviews, follows, and favorites. I would love to hear what you think!**_

JJ didn't take her eyes off of Emily who was lying asleep in bed beside her.

Emily hadn't said much once she sat up and wiped the tears from her eyes. JJ had made them dinner, but Emily had mostly pushed the food around. And after she had pushed her plate away JJ took her hand and led her to the bedroom.

JJ changed into a pair of pajamas, but Emily laid down fully dressed, her back to JJ's side of the bed. JJ laid beside her and pulled the blankets over them both.

"I'm right here," JJ whispered.

Emily had tossed and turned for nearly an hour before she stilled and her breathing became even. But JJ didn't take her eyes off of her.

She grabbed her phone from the bedside table, dialed, and held it close to her ear.

"Hotchner," Aaron answered.

"Hotch," she whispered, trying her best not to wake Emily, "I need to take a personal day tomorrow."

"Is everything alright?"

JJ looked at Emily's face. Her eyes were closed, but her face wasn't peaceful in sleep. "I'm okay," she said so he wouldn't worry.

"Let me know if you need anything."

"Thanks Aaron."

JJ hung up and set her phone back on the table beside her. She looked back at Emily who still appeared to be sleeping.

She looked at the woman who she had been in love with for years.

The woman who was strong and loyal and passionate and kind.

And she just wished Emily could see that too. She wished Emily could see every wonderful thing about her. She wished Emily could see why JJ loved her. And JJ vowed to do everything she could to show Emily that. To show her that she was worthy of love.

Emily rolled over and her head found its way to JJ's chest. With her eyes still closed she wrapped her arm around JJ. She snuggled close to her.

JJ closed her eyes and sighed.

She had never felt love like this before.

XXX

JJ didn't know what woke her, but when she opened her eyes she looked over and saw Emily was already awake.

"You okay?" JJ asked, propping herself up on her elbows.

"Yeah," Emily turned and looked at her, "I don't sleep through the night much anymore, I'm sorry if I woke you."

"You didn't," JJ assured her. She sat up and turned the lamp on, she pulled her legs out from beneath the blanket and swung them over the side of the bed. "I'll be right back," she promised, "do you need anything?"

Emily shook her head.

She stared at the doorway once JJ was gone.

Emily thought she would've been embarrassed about crying earlier, she had never been good at showing her emotions. It made her feel vulnerable. But with JJ she felt okay. She was starting to feel like she didn't have to keep it all inside.

Not that anything had really changed.

She had still been woken up in the early morning by a nightmare. She was still too afraid to close her eyes, afraid of what she might see. And she still couldn't talk about what had happened.

But now she wasn't alone.

JJ walked back into the room with two mugs in her hand and a bag of cookies tucked under her arm. She handed Emily one of the mugs and used her free hand to set the bag on the bed.

"I hope I didn't crush them," JJ said as she walked over to the other side of the bed and sat. She set her mug down and got situated; she tucked her legs beneath her and leaned back against the headboard, she took her drink again and then turned to face Emily.

"Hot chocolate," Emily smiled as she took a sip.

"My mom used to make it for me when I couldn't sleep," JJ said.

Emily tucked her hair behind her ears, "what kept you awake?"

"When I was younger I was afraid of the dark," JJ said, "and I used to think there were monsters that hid under my bed and in my closet. I used to imagine them with huge teeth and scales. So my mom would come into my room and check all the dark corners for me and then she would make me hot chocolate and sit with me until I fell asleep."

JJ took a sip of her hot chocolate and and set it down on the bedside table, "were you afraid of monsters?"

"Yeah," Emily said, looking away, "except my monsters looked a lot more human."

They sat in silence for a while, neither of them saying anything.

And then Emily spoke again, "when I was younger my nanny used to read to me when I couldn't sleep. But when my mother found out she said I was too old for that."

JJ took Emily's free hand and held it, "Emily..." she whispered. Her heart broke for the young Emily. The child who had no one to comfort her when she was scared.

"But that was years ago," Emily continued, "and now I know it's not the monster hiding under my bed that I need to worry about. That one wasn't real, but there are plenty that are."

"There may be monsters," JJ said, "but you don't have to fight them alone. We've got a whole team of people who will be right beside you."

"You're right," Emily said, turning back to look at JJ.

"I know I am," JJ smiled.


	17. Chapter 17

**Hello! I'm sorry this chapter is so short, I will try to get the next one posted soon.**

 **I do not own Criminal Minds**

* * *

JJ didn't remember falling back asleep but when she opened her eyes again the sun was up. She looked over and saw that she was alone in bed, which didn't surprise her because she doubted Emily had fallen back asleep. JJ was just sitting up when Emily walked into the doorway. She was still wearing her pajamas and her hair hung loose around her face.

"Good morning," Emily smiled.

"Good morn-" JJ's reply was interrupted with a yawn, "-ing," she finished.

Emily chuckled, "I've got a pot of coffee brewing as we speak."

"Thank you," JJ said gratefully.

"What time do you have to be in the office?" Emily asked.

JJ looked at her clock, it was nearing eight. But then she remembered her call to Hotch last night, "I actually have the day off."

"Really?" Emily asked, skeptically.

"Yup, so we've got all day together," JJ smiled.

Emily's eyes narrowed, "is this because of last night? Because I promise I'm okay."

JJ stood up and walked across the room, "you're stuck with me," she said and then kissed Emily on the cheek.

"I guess I can't really complain."

XXX

Emily had convinced JJ repeatedly that her leg was okay to walk. The evening was beautiful and they had driven to a nearby lake. Emily held JJ's hand in one hand and her cane in the other as they walked down the trail from the parking lot to the lake.

And even though Emily had told JJ over and over again that she would be okay, that her leg was fine, that she could walk down the trail, she didn't know how much farther she could manage.

It should have been getting better. And it had, for a while, for a few days. But now the ache rarely went away and if she spent too much time walking, the ache turned into a sharp pain. So she was grateful when JJ pointed out a bench and asked if she wanted to sit.

Tall, beautiful trees surrounded them. The sun was low in the sky and casted a golden hue.

"Have you ever thought about coming out to the team?" JJ asked.

Emily thought for a moment, "I think I went for so long not saying anything about how I felt to anyone, that I never really considered that I could. What about you?"

"Yeah," JJ said.

"No one on the team will think any differently of you," Emily told her.

"Part of me knows that, but part of me is still afraid."

"I don't want you to ever be afraid," Emily took her hand out of JJ's and wrapped it around her shoulder, "and if anyone ever hurts you, I swear to god, they'll have to deal with me."

"I don't doubt that," JJ smiled, "and same goes for you. I've got your back. Always." JJ turned her head and kissed Emily's cheek, "so now that we're, uh, I don't know... dating?"

"Dating," Emily confirmed.

JJ grinned, "now that we're dating, what do you want to do about the team?"

"That's your call," Emily said. "I don't work for the FBI anymore, but you do. Whatever you want to do, I'm with you 100 percent."

JJ took some time to think about it. She had thought about it in the past, but it had always seemed too daunting. But this time she wasn't alone, she had Emily with her.

"I need to tell Penelope," JJ said, "and after that... we can see what happens and go from there."

"Sounds like a plan," Emily said before slipping her hand back into JJ's hand.


	18. Chapter 18

**As promised, here is the next chapter! Why not leave a review?**

* * *

The next day at the BAU JJ suggested a girl's day and Garcia immediately began planning. JJ couldn't help but laugh at how excited she was. But JJ was excited too. Not only was this their first girl's day in months, but JJ was finally going to tell one of the most important people in her life not only that she was bi, but that she was in a relationship with Emily.

She was excited, but she was also terrified.

That night when she got home she told Emily about the plans for breakfast the next morning.

"And you're ready to tell her?" Emily asked while they sat on the couch together.

JJ took in a breath, "yeah, I'm ready."

"Okay," Emily took her hand, "just remember that once you tell Penelope, other people might find out. When Garcia gets... excited about something, she isn't always the most discrete."

"I know," JJ said, "and I've thought about it. I'm ready."

Emily squeezed JJ's hand.

For the rest of the night they stayed in. Emily made dinner and then they watched a movie together. Despite what JJ had said, Emily could tell she was nervous. She did her best to reassure her

The next morning Emily woke up and turned over. She laid there for a few minutes, just watching JJ. She looked so peaceful. Her hair was strewn across the pillow and her eyes closed.

Finally she pulled her eyes away and got up. She took a quick shower and combed her hair, giving JJ a few extra minutes to sleep while she finished getting ready. When she did wake her, JJ groaned and muttered something about throwing an alarm clock.

Emily laughed and brushed JJ's hair away from her eyes. That opened JJ's eyes, and she looked up at Emily.

"Time to get up sleepyhead, we're going to need to prepare for breakfast."

JJ swung her legs over the side of the bed and sat up. She was wearing one of Emily's Yale t-shirts and a pair of plaid pajama shorts. She sighed.

"It's going to be okay," Emily read the other woman easily, "Garcia loves you, this won't change anything."

"She loves _us_ ," JJ corrected, "you should hear her talk about you. I think she's told every new agent on our team all of the languages you speak."

Emily shook her head, "that woman," she laughed.

While JJ got dressed Emily made a pot of coffee. All alone, Emily began to think. She made sure to present a non-worried appearance around JJ, but now that she was alone, she wasn't sure how she felt. She had spent a long time convincing herself that she didn't care what other people thought. And that the only reason she didn't bring this up was because there was no reason to. Not because she was worried.

But if she hadn't cared what the team thought, she would have told them years ago. When Penelope asked about her boyfriends, she could have corrected her. Or when Derek asked what _his_ name was, she could have said something. But she didn't. She couldn't risk losing the only people in her life once she had become so accustomed to not being alone.

But now there was JJ to think about. And JJ was enough. No matter what happened, JJ was enough. So Emily would do whatever she could to support her, to stand by her.

Emily had gone through a cup of coffee when JJ walked into the kitchen and ten minutes later they were in the car and driving to a cute breakfast place a few blocks away.

XXX

"So Emily, has JJ told you about her secret crush?"

"A secret crush?" Emily couldn't hide her grin.

JJ's cheeks flushed pink and she muttered something that sounded significantly like _Garcia_. Emily reached her hand over to take JJ's, but pulled it back after just brushing her fingers against the back of JJ's hand. They were going to do this JJ's way.

After a few more minutes of Garcia trying to figure out the identity of the mystery crush, she finally gave up. Emily gave them the general update of Interpol; things were good, lots of paperwork, and no, she wasn't coming back to the FBI. Garcia gushed about little Hank and talked about all the baby things she had bought for him.

Emily excused herself to the restroom, she grabbed her cane got up. Once she was out of earshot Garcia turned to JJ.

"Oh my god, it's her!" She exclaimed.

"What?" JJ asked, bewildered.

"I should have known, of course it's Emily! Your _crush_ ," Garcia winked, "oh it fits just perfectly!"

There was no point in denying it this time, so JJ grinned. "Yes."

"Wait, hold up, you're not going to deny it? Oh my god, this is so perfect. You like Emily! Now don't worry, I'll figure out how to get you two together."

"Pen–"

"We'll have a girls night or something, and then I'll be called out on an emergency and it will just be you two..."

"Garcia–"

"Oh and we can make it all romantic with candles and roses..."

"Penelope–"

"Oh, you're right," Garcia waved her hands in the air, "that's too much, let me think."

Emily walked back to the table, having witnessed the arm waving from across the restaurant. "What's going on?"

JJ tried not to laugh, "Garcia is trying to figure out how to set us up."

"Oh really now?" Emily laughed.

"What? What's so funny?" Garcia asked.

Emily sat down at her spot across from JJ and Penelope. "That's why we invited you to this girl's brunch," Emily smiled.

"Wait," Garcia said suspiciously.

"We're together, Pen," JJ said, taking Emily's hand.

"Oh my god! Why didn't you tell me!"

JJ just laughed.

"This is just so perfect," Garcia exclaimed, "my two favorite girls, oh you're so perfect for each other!"

"Thanks, Pen," Emily smiled.


	19. Chapter 19

_**Hello! I posted chapter 18 a few days ago, but I don't think it sent out an email notification. So you might want to make sure you've read that one (it features Garcia). I hope you all have a good weekend!**_

 _ **Update: I'm going to try posting this again to see if it sends out an alert. Fingers crossed!**_

* * *

A weight seemed to have lifted off of JJ after telling Garcia, and Emily was happy. It made her happy to see JJ getting more comfortable with herself, with them.

But despite all of that, she was tired. When she woke up in the morning, she was more tired than when she had fallen asleep the night before. The pain in her leg was sharp. It seemed to radiate out. But she said nothing, just relied on her cane a little more, slept a little longer, she didn't want to ruin this moment. This moment she had waited years for.

The evening after telling Garcia about them, JJ and Emily sat down to talk about the team. Garcia had promised not to say anything until they were ready, but despite her best intentions, it was unlikely she would be able to keep it to herself for long.

"The team won't think any differently of you," Emily promised, "and if they do, I'll come beat them up myself."

JJ laughed, but a nervous laugh, "I know you're right."

"Of course I am," Emily smiled.

"But I still worry."

"I know," Emily reached out and took JJ's hand, "it's hard, I wish it wasn't, but it's so damn hard. And you know that whatever you choose to do, I love you."

"I love you too," JJ smiled.

"I can come with if you want, or you can tell them, or we can just not tell them anything, your call."

"I think," JJ sighed, "I need to tell them."

Emily nodded.

"Why don't... you can say no to this, because this isn't only about me, it's about you too..."

"JJ," Emily said, "just tell me."

"I'll tell the team tomorrow. Would, would you talk to Derek?"

"Of course," Emily smiled. "He called earlier to see if I wanted to get drinks tonight. I could tell him then, or I could stay here, wait until tomorrow."

"You should go tonight, if you want," JJ added quickly, squeezing her hand.

"I'll give him a call."

Emily stood up and took her phone out of her pocket and called Derek back. When she put her phone away JJ stood up and kissed her on the cheek.

"I love you," JJ said.

"I love you too."

XXX

Emily relied heavily on her cane as she walked into the bar. She tried not to grimace as each step sent a shot of pain up and down her leg. Derek was already there, sitting at the bar with a beer in his hand, and he looked over when Emily walked in. She smiled, hoping it didn't look pained, and walked as normally as she could over to him. She heaved herself into the raised seat and bit back a curse.

"Hey there Prentiss, I was afraid you were going to hop a flight right out of here before I got a chance to see you again."

"Not a chance" Emily laughed, "I've got at least a few more days here."

Something her and JJ hadn't yet talked about was the fact that Emily wasn't here permanently. At the present it was easier to ignore that, be happy while they could, and deal with the rest later.

"How's your vacation been?" Derek asked.

"Oh, you know, pretty exciting," Emily laughed, "lots of reading, some TV, and now I'm almost done with a puzzle."

"That is pretty exciting," Derek grinned.

"How are Hank and Savannah?"

Derek couldn't keep the grin off his face as he told her about them and his excitement was infectious.

"I'm so happy for you, Derek, I really am."

"You ever think about it? Starting a family?"

Emily hesitated, now was her time, the perfect chance to tell him, "well..."

Derek raised his eyebrows, "so there is someone!"

"That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about."

"Okay, I'm listening." He sensed the caution in her voice.

"I'm with someone."

Derek's eyes brightened, but he said nothing, waiting for Emily to continue.

"It's JJ."

"Well it's about damn time!" Derek grinned.

"Wait, you mean, you knew?"

"That you were gay or that you were hopelessly in love with JJ?" He asked.

Emily's look of shock and confusion made him laugh.

"Emily, you were my partner for years. Of course I knew. Even if you weren't ready to tell me."

Emily grinned sheepishly, "was it that obvious?"

"I wouldn't say obvious, not if someone didn't know you. But I saw the way you looked at her, and I saw the way she looked back. I just can't believe it took this long!"

Emily laughed, relieved. They continued to talk. Emily enjoyed being able to talk about JJ, not having to hide anymore. Their conversation helped keep Emily's mind off the pain in her leg, but it got worse as the night progressed. By the time they parted ways, Emily could barely walk without a grunt of pain escaping her lips.

XXX

Emily tossed and turned all night, finally falling into a fitful sleep just as the sun was beginning the rise. By the time she woke, the sun was high in the sky and JJ was gone. Sweat dripped down her face and the pain was bad. It almost felt as though the shrapnel had just been pulled from her leg again.

Emily cringed as she sat up and pulled the blankets away.

A small cry escaped her when she rolled up her pajama pants. The wound across her thigh, held together by stitches, was red. Her leg felt hot, her whole body did. She stood, but her leg immediately collapsed beneath her and she fell to the bedroom floor. The landing caused a whole new round of pain and tears came to her eyes.

She scooted back against the side of the bed and looked down at her leg. She knew she was supposed to go to the doctors before this, but the thought... the thought of being back there. She cringed.

Emily balled up her fists in frustration and let out a grunt. After a minute she made herself calm down. And after yet again trying to stand she knew that her leg wouldn't be able to support her weight. Emily reached over her head, blindly searching for her cellphone. In the process she knocked over a box of tissues and a clock, but finally her hand wrapped around her phone. She dialed and pressed call, holding up the phone to her ear.

"Emily," JJ said, a smile in her voice, "what's up? I only have a minute to talk, I'm headed to the bullpen to talk to the team."

"JJ..."

"What is it?" JJ noticed her tone immediately.

Emily bit her lip and squeezed her eyes shut, "I need your help, I'm not sure it can wait."

"Are you okay?" Emily could hear JJ gathering her stuff in the background, "I'll be there in fifteen minutes."

"I'm... no, I guess I'm not."

"Emily, talk to me, what happened?"

"I just... I'll see you soon," Emily dropped the phone. She leaned her head back against the bed. A shiver ran through her and suddenly she felt cold. She looked down at her leg and cursed. It stung, but she rolled her pant leg down while gritting her teeth. Then she leaned back again.

XXX

JJ left her office without closing the door, her bag slung over her shoulder she ran down the stairs and nearly knocked Reid over as she ran across the bullpen. She heard him call after her, but she didn't stop. Once she got to her car she sped back to her house, terrified of what she might find. Imagining all of the worst case scenarios her mind could come up with.

Finally she pulled into the driveway and jumped out of the car, running up to her house.

"Emily?" She called when she walked in, but the house was silent. Then as she crossed the kitchen she heard something.

"No, get out," it was Emily's voice, but it was strained, "get out."

JJ immediately reached for her gun and held it ahead of her as she approached the bedroom door.

"It's a trap, get out!"

JJ threw open the door, expecting to see someone else in the room, but it was only Emily. She was slumped down on the floor, her face red and sweaty. JJ holstered her weapon and ran to her, kneeling down beside Emily.

"Em," she put her hand on Emily's cheek and it was clammy, "what happened?"

"We have to get out, it's a trap, we have to go," Emily seemed to talk in a daze, she wasn't looking at JJ. She didn't seem to be looking at anything, her eyes were unfocused and darting back and forth.

"Emily, look at me," JJ said, "what happened?"

"I can't let them die," Emily said before her eyes rolled back and her body slumped over.


	20. Chapter 20

_**Hello! I apologize for any confusion with the chapters, fanfiction was having some problems with not sending out email alerts when stories were updated. It doesn't appear that an alert was sent out for chapter 18 or chapter 19 (the first time), so I reposted chapter 19 last night and an alert was sent out! If you haven't read chapters 18 or 19 I would recommend you go back and read those before reading this chapter. Feel free to message me if you have any questions!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

JJ paced back and forth in the hospital waiting room. She had been there for over forty minutes, waiting to hear something. Anything. She had ridden in the ambulance. They had given Emily IV fluids and oxygen. And when JJ had told them about her sprained ankle they cut away her pant leg. But it wasn't sprained. Instead there was a gash down her thigh. Her skin was bright red.

It looked bad.

And when they had gotten to the hospital Emily was rushed away and JJ was left standing there. She stared at the swinging doors. She stood there until she found herself in the waiting room.

And the whole time Emily had been unconscious. Her breaths were short and quick. Her soft skin paler than usual.

And JJ couldn't keep herself from thinking about that night all those years ago. Emily bleeding on the cement floor. At the hospital. In Paris.

"JJ?"

She stopped and turned, hoping to see a doctor, but saw that it was Derek. She must have called him, but didn't remember doing so.

"What's going on?" He asked as he walked over to her, "I got your call, but I don't understand."

She stood frozen in her place, looking at him. Then suddenly tears came to her eyes.

"Woah, woah," Derek said as he put his arms around her, "it's okay, come here." He held her close while she cried.

Finally JJ sniffed and pulled away from him.

"Is it Emily?" Derek asked, his eyes full of concern.

JJ nodded, "I don't know what happened," she said, "Emily called me while I was at work and told me to come back, and I got there and she was on the floor and then she was unconscious. And I called an ambulance and her breathing was so shallow and her leg, it doesn't look good–"

"Slow down," Derek stopped JJ as her words began to tumble together, "is she going to be okay?"

"I don't know, they made me wait here and I haven't heard anything since."

"Okay," Derek said, "you sit down and I'll go see if I can find anything out."

JJ collapsed into a hard chair and sat there helplessly as Derek found someone to talk to.

Derek came back a few minutes later with a look of defeat, "they couldn't tell me anything," he said sitting down next to JJ. "Do you want me to call the rest of the team?"

JJ thought about it before shaking her head, "they'll just worry and there's nothing they can do right now."

Derek nodded. "Do you need anything?"

"I need her to be okay," JJ whispered.

Derek took her hand.

XXX

They had been sitting in that same position, hand in hand with JJ leaning against Derek's shoulder, for what felt like hours when a doctor walked into the waiting room. She had short dark hair and red glasses.

"Emily Prentiss?"

JJ nearly jumped to her feet, "is she okay?"

"Emily is out of surgery, the wound on her leg was infected and we needed to clean it. However, the infection has spread to her whole body."

"Is she okay?" JJ repeated.

"She's off anesthetics, but she hasn't woken yet," the doctor explained.

"Is that normal?" JJ asked. "Why isn't she awake?"

"Right now Emily's body is fighting the infection. We are giving her antibiotics and supportive care, but her body is under a great deal of stress. We don't know when she will wake up, all that we can do right now is help her body."

"But she will wake up, right?" JJ whispered. Derek took her hand.

"We did not catch this infection early," she said, "it has spread quite a bit, so there is no way to know exactly what will happen."

JJ was clenching Derek's hand without noticing it, "can I see her? I want to see her."

The doctor considered the request and then nodded, "I cannot guarantee that she will wake up soon, but I see no harm in you staying with her. Let me show you to her room."

JJ and Derek followed the woman, still hand in hand.

They stood in the doorway. JJ stared at Emily. She was lying in the hospital bed. There were IVs in her arms and oxygen going to her nose. She was still pale, so pale. Her leg was wrapped in thick white gauze and it was elevated on the bed. Her eyes were closed.

"Do you want me to go in with you?" Derek asked, his voice quiet.

"I–" JJ hesitated, "just, can I have a minute?"

"I'll be in the hall," he said, "should I call the team now?"

JJ nodded and then released his hand. She walked into the room, she could hear Emily's short and rapid breaths and her pounding heart was displayed on the monitor. JJ took her hand, taking great care not to pull at the IV.

"Emily," she whispered, "oh, Emily."

She could hear Derek's low voice out in the hallway.

Emily's eyes were closed, but her face was twisted in pain.

"I wish I could make this better," JJ whispered, "I wish I could make all of your pain go away. I'm so sorry that I can't. But please come back. Please. I'm not going anywhere, Em. I'm going to be right here in this room until you wake up. Please. Please wake up, Emily. Please."

XXX

JJ didn't move her eyes from Emily when she heard the door open and Derek walk in. She tried not to think about how short and shallow Emily's breaths were. She tried not to cry or scream or throw something at the wall. She tried not to imagine Emily never waking up.

"Hey JJ," Derek said, "Penelope's here. She brought you some clothes."

JJ saw the duffel bag out of the corner of her eye when Derek set it on the floor beside her.

XXX

JJ could hear Hotch and Rossi talking in the hall. Hotch's low and gravelly voice seemed almost soothing at the moment.

XXX

Spencer's feet crossed back and forth across the corner of JJ's field of vision as he paced beside her.

XXX

Tara sat down next to her. She was talking. JJ didn't register the words.


	21. Chapter 21

_**Thank you all so much for the reviews, favorites, and follows. It means so much to me to hear your feedback! I hope you enjoy the chapter and I would love if you would leave a review!**_

 ** _I do not own Criminal Minds_**

* * *

Emily wished she felt nothing. But there was pain. Always pain. There was no escape. No escape from her mind, from the memories, the nightmares, the reality. She tried to pull out of it, but couldn't. She was trapped.

 _It had been a trap, the whole thing, and who knew how many more bombs were waiting for them._

 _She could hear Rogers scream as Bentley struggled to lift him without causing any more damage. Emily forced herself to stand and an explosion of pain came from her leg. But she stayed standing. She went to Rogers and grabbed his legs while Bentley had his shoulders. Together they carried him out of the building._

 _Smith and Diaz were just ahead, Smith carrying her in a fireman's lift. Each step Emily took was hell, but she knew she had to make it back to the van. She stumbled as their speed increased, but didn't fall. She turned back when they reached the van, just in time to see the third explosion cave in the roof._

XXX

There was a light knock on the door, JJ looked over from where she sat beside Emily's bed. Savannah stood there in a pair of scrubs and a doctor's coat.

"Can I come in?" She whispered.

JJ nodded. The room was dark, the lights were off and the sun was low in the sky, barely casting any light. JJ gently stroked Emily's arm, trying to give her any comfort possible. "What do you think?" JJ asked, turning back to Emily, "is she going to be okay?"

"I'm not her doctor, so I really don't know much about her condition," Savannah said apologetically.

"Nobody will tell me anything," she brought her hand to her face, fighting back tears of frustration and fear.

Savannah squatted so that her face was level with JJ's. "I'm so sorry, JJ," she said. "I wish I could tell you more. But she's strong, she's a fighter."

"I already lost her once. I can't–I just, I can't..." Tears fell from JJ's eyes and she didn't bother to wipe them away. She reached out and took Emily's hand with her right one, and Savannah took a hold of her left.

"Is there anything I can do?" Savannah asked gently, "do you need anything?"

"I just need her to wake up," JJ bit back more tears, knowing it was unfair to ask Savannah for that.

Derek walked into the room, "has there been any change?"

JJ shook her head and Savannah looked up at him. JJ let go of her hand, knowing that she wanted to go to Derek. Savannah stood and pulled him into a hug.

"I'm so sorry, Sweetheart. I came as soon as I could get a break."

"Thanks," Derek kissed her on the cheek.

"How're you holding up?"

"Alright," Derek nodded toward JJ, "Emily's strong."

"That's what I said," Savannah agreed, "I have a few more minutes if you want to go grab a coffee? Or I could go get something for you."

Derek looked from Savannah to JJ, "do you need anything, JJ?"

"I'm fine," JJ said, "go, take a break."

XXX

At first JJ thought it was a dream, or even, as she blinked her eyes open, her imagination. But then it came again. Her name. Quiet and raspy, but urgent. Frightful.

JJ sat up and blinked, it came again, her name, Emily. Emily had said it. JJ jumped from the chair she had fallen asleep in and went to Emily's side.

"I'm here," JJ said, "I'm here, Emily. It's okay."

Emily said her name again, it was a croak. Then she reached her arms out for her, trying to find her. "JJ?" She panicked.

JJ took her hands and held them, "I'm here. I'm right here."

Emily's eyes finally blinked open and she looked wildly around. "Where am I? What happened?" Her voice was frantic.

"You're in the hospital," JJ explained, "you're sick, but you're going to be okay."

"Where?"

"The hospital," JJ repeated.

Emily shook her head, " _where_?" She was trying to get up.

JJ stood there for a moment, and then it clicked, "DC," she said, "you're in DC."

Emily stopped trying to move then, she froze. It all seemed to come back to her.

"Lay back down," JJ tried to coax her.

But Emily wouldn't move. Because when she had been unconscious it had felt so real. It had _been_ so real. But when she woke, she was here. She was here and she couldn't help them. Again. She couldn't save them.

"How are you feeling?" JJ asked her, "you really scared me."

"I'm sorry," Emily sputtered, "I'm sorry. I couldn't–"

"No, no," JJ said, "don't be sorry, it's not your fault."

But Emily kept talking as though she hadn't heard her, "I should've... but I couldn't get there, I didn't realize. I'm so sorry," tears came to her eyes and she began to shake, "it's my fault, it's all my fault. I couldn't save them. I couldn't and... I'm sorry... it's my fault."

JJ wrapped her arms around Emily as she cried, "shh," she whispered, "it's okay. It's not your fault, Em. You're okay. I love you."

She didn't know exactly what Emily was talking about, what she was apologizing for, but JJ knew it was for whatever woke her up in the middle of the night. Whatever gave her nightmares and made her jump when someone walked in the room. Whatever kept her trapped inside her own head.

JJ held her and rocked her and spoke softly into her ear. She wanted to take all of her pain away. She wanted to make her feel safe. She wanted Emily to feel all of the love that she had for her.

But all she could do was try.


	22. Chapter 22

_**Hello, I hope you're all having a good weekend! I hope you enjoy the chapter!**_

 _ **I forgot to mention this earlier, but for all medical related writing (in all chapters), I did my best research, but I apologize for any inaccuracies/errors.**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

Emily was awake, and the doctor said she was out of immediate danger, but she was still in the hospital, still fighting the infection, and still hooked to two IVs. Emily's bed was adjusted so that she was sitting up and JJ sat beside her, her head propped up using her elbow. She brushed Emily's hair away from her face and let the tips of her fingers brush gently against her skin.

"Why don't you try to sleep?" JJ suggested, "I'll stay right here if you want."

Emily turned and looked at her, "or you could stay right there and I could stay awake."

"You need your rest, Em."

Emily moved so that her arm was against JJ's body. JJ could still feel the warmth radiating off of her, but it was nothing compared to what it had been the day before. JJ adjusted herself so that Emily could lean against her.

"What're you thinking about?" She spoke softly into Emily's ear.

Emily was silent for a moment before speaking, her voice uncertain with just a barely noticeable quiver, "what if I don't wake up?"

"Oh, Em," JJ said, holding her close, "the doctor's say you're getting better."

"But what if I can't wake up? What if I'm trapped again?"

JJ looked at her and saw the fear in her eyes. "I can't imagine what you're feeling right now, Emily. But you can talk to me, okay? You can tell me what happened and I will do whatever I can to help you."

Emily blinked and a tear slipped down her cheek. She bit her lip and her brows drew together as she looked at JJ. As she looked at one of the few people who had ever loved her. And she thought of the love and acceptance and comfort JJ had given her.

And as hard and as painful as it was to talk, Emily didn't know how much longer she could go without. She didn't know how much longer she could keep it inside. "I did head up the London office," she said finally, "but I was only there for a few months. That's not why Easter brought me back, that wasn't why Interpol wanted me."

"If you weren't at the London office, where were you?" JJ asked gently.

Emily sighed, "they wanted me undercover, that was why they brought me back, to profile. I worked undercover on a few cases before the one that brought me to the states. After that case... after it ended..." Emily took a few shallow breaths, "I was promoted to a handler and I was given my own team."

JJ could hear the pain in Emily's words, see it in her eyes.

"My case, the case I was given... we were going after a group of human traffickers in Romania. They would kidnap young men and women to sell. Our intelligence told us there were likely individuals with positions of power involved, so we had to send in a team to gather information. They went undercover in Romania until they were taken to be trafficked."

JJ said nothing, she simply waited for Emily to continue.

"I haven't... I haven't talked about this since I gave my statement to Interpol."

"It's okay," JJ whispered, continuing to gently stroke Emily's hair.

Emily looked away and wrapped her arms around her own body. "They were deep cover for a couple weeks. We had gotten bugs inside of the building that we were monitoring. Collecting information, names, locations, that sort of thing. But then..." Emily trailed off, shaking her head, "I don't know what happened, I don't know how they got it."

"How they got what?" JJ pulled Emily close.

"Their identities. All of them. My agents," Emily's voice shook, "their identities were compromised. I couldn't leave them in there. We went in, me and four other agents, but when we got there, everyone was gone. Only my undercover agents were in the building, I should have known, I shouldn't have let my team in the building. I should have figured it out."

Emily's face was still turned away, but her voice was thick with tears. She shivered beneath JJ's arm.

"My undercover agents were all gagged and tied up in a far room. But as soon as we got there, as soon as I was close enough to see their faces, their eyes... the first bomb went off and they were gone. There was nothing... they were..." Emily struggled to speak.

"I'm so sorry," JJ whispered.

Emily jerked her head side to side, "we tried to get out, but they had put bombs at the doorway. When we... when we got to the van..." she brought her hand to her face and held it there, covering her eyes, "Diaz was already gone. Rogers bled out on the floor."

"Oh, Em."

"I lost six agents," she choked out, "no one knows... no one knows what happened. How the undercover agents were made. They're investigating me, I'm suspended. I was responsible for them and they died."

"Emily, this is not your fault," JJ said, trying to look at her.

"It is," she wiped away her tears, " _I_ should have realized what was happening. _I_ should be dead, not them. This is on _me_."

"No," JJ said firmly, "it is on the people who did this. The people who set the bombs. They are the ones who killed your agents, not you."

"Everytime I close my eyes, every time I let my mind wander, for just a millisecond, it comes back, all of it. The screams, the blood... and I just want it to stop. I want it to go away, I just want," Emily brought her hands to her head, "but I don't deserve that."

"You do not deserve any of this pain," JJ said.

Emily turned her head and looked at JJ and for the first time JJ saw the tears streaming down her cheeks. Emily's eyes were bloodshot and her cheeks flushed, "I wish you were right."

"Emily..." JJ brought her hand up to Emily's face and gently wiped her tears away, "you do not deserve this and it is not your fault. You might not see that now, but _I_ do. _I_ know you would do anything to protect your team. This is not your fault. And I will tell you that over and over again until you believe it."

Emily closed her eyes and another tear slipped down her cheek.

"And I am always here, Em. For whatever you need. I'm so sorry you went through this. I wish I could take away your pain, I wish that I could make everything okay."

Emily shook her head and opened her eyes.

"Is there anything that I can do?"

"Just..."

"Anything."

"Just stay. Here. With me."

"Of course."

Emily adjusted the bed so that the back went down. She laid back and stared at the ceiling. JJ wrapped her arm around her. Emily tried to forget. Tried to close her eyes. But she could see it. Their fear, their blood, their bodies. The guilt.

It sat on her chest and sucked out her air.

She wanted it to go away. She wanted to feel nothing. She wanted to be numb.

She brought her hands to her face and cried in frustration.

JJ pulled her close and held her. "I'm here," she whispered, "and you're here. You're here Em. And I love you. I'll always love you."


	23. Chapter 23

_**I hope you're all doing well! Sorry for the wait on this chapter, but its a fairly long one. Why not leave a review?**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

As the days passed Emily grew stronger and her leg began to heal. She was still ordered to stay off her leg, so she spent most of her time sitting in the hospital bed. She had tried to convince JJ that she could leave, but JJ wouldn't go. At night JJ laid beside Emily in the small bed, holding her, and gently whispering when Emily woke up from a nightmare.

Emily hadn't talked about it since that night. She didn't say anything more about what had happened, and JJ didn't ask.

But someone knew. JJ. JJ knew.

So even though she still had nightmares, and sometimes she couldn't get the images out of her head, JJ was there. Emily hadn't realized how much she needed to not be alone.

Derek stopped by the hospital almost everyday. He would bring them lunch and sometimes Savannah would join them. Only once had Derek been able to convince JJ to go home for a few hours and only with the promise that he wouldn't leave Emily's side.

The team had stopped by, but they had cases. Emily had no idea where they were or what the case was, JJ didn't talk about it in front of her. Whenever she got a call from Hotch she would go out into the hall. She tried to tell JJ that she should be with the team, but JJ assured her that they were okay without her.

A week from the day that Emily had been admitted into the hospital she was released. The gauze had been removed from her leg which had a fresh set of stitches holding it together. She had to get her leg checked soon, but for now she could leave.

Emily had just finished signing a stack of papers when Morgan showed up pushing a wheelchair.

"No," Emily said, "no way."

"Just to the car," JJ smiled.

"Nope," Emily shook her head.

"Emily, your leg's still gotta be killing you."

"Hence the cane," Emily held it up and waved it, which was a mistake since she had been using it to support some of her weight. She stumbled, but caught herself on the counter before falling.

"I think that answers this question," Derek said, "chair it is. Now sit your butt down."

Emily groaned and whined, but sat. She let herself be pushed to the exit.

"Really? Through the parking lot too?" Emily groaned.

"I wasn't able to pull up the car," Derek said, "since I knew JJ would need backup just to get you sitting down."

Emily used her arm to shield the sun from her eyes. She was wearing one of JJ's Penn State t-shirts and a pair of athletic shorts. When they got to Derek's car, Emily protested the help that JJ and Derek gave her to stand.

"I guess this means your feeling better then, huh?" Derek laughed as she jokingly swung her cane at him.

Finally Emily was buckled up in the passenger seat and Derek and JJ were in their own seats.

"Where to, ladies?" Derek asked.

JJ looked at Emily.

Emily leaned her head back and closed her eyes, "home."

XXX

Emily had been out of the hospital for five days and was still trying to convince JJ that she was okay.

"You know the doctor didn't say absolutely no standing," she shouted from her spot on the couch as JJ worked in the kitchen.

"I believe they said to stay off your leg, which to me sounds a whole lot like not standing," JJ didn't look up from what she was doing. They had had this same conversation at least a half dozen times in the past three days.

Emily groaned, but snuggled back against the couch. She pulled the blanket around herself and listened to JJ as she cooked dinner. The food smelled delicious.

After a while Emily stood up and limped to the dining room. Her leg still hurt, but honestly, she couldn't remember a time when it hadn't.

JJ turned to bring the food to the dining room, "hey!" she said.

"I walked fifteen feet," Emily said, "and unless you are planning on carrying me everywhere, I'm going to have to walk a bit."

JJ sighed and shook her head, "I just know the second I go back to work you're going to start trying to run marathons and climb trees or something."

"If I promise to limit myself to a half-marathon will you go back to work?" Emily countered.

"Trying to get rid of me?"

"I would spend every minute of every day with you if I could," Emily smiled, "but the team needs you. _They_ need you," she gestured around. "I'll be okay."

"You promise?"

"I promise," Emily replied, "plus, I can always bother Derek."

JJ laughed, "I guess that's true. I'll call Hotch after dinner and let him know I can come back to work." She turned to grab another tray to bring to the table, when she came back she stopped and looked at Emily, "you're sure?"

"Positive."

XXX

That night Emily and JJ laid in bed, JJ with her head resting on Emily's chest.

"Did you ever tell the team about us?" Emily asked, absent mindedly playing with JJ's hair.

JJ thought for a moment, "no, I guess I never actually did." She paused, "but I get the feeling they've figured it out."

"Really?" Emily asked.

JJ chuckled and looked up at Emily, "I don't think we were all that covert about our relationship at the hospital. Although," she added, "someone may still have to tell Spencer."

Emily smiled and laughed. She pulled JJ close, "and how do you feel? About everyone knowing."

"I feel..." JJ trailed off for a moment, trying to find the right word, "loved. You're here and you're safe and that's all I need. And the fact that our friends support us, that just makes it even better."

Emily kissed the top of her head and smiled.

XXX

Emily woke up to a phone ringing. She rolled back over, expecting JJ to get it. But then Emily saw it was her own phone lighting up. She glanced over to see if it had woken JJ, it hadn't.

"Prentiss," she whispered.

"Are you alone?"

"Give me a second." She slowly sat up and stepped out of the bed. When she got to the door she opened it as quietly as possible and didn't say anything until she was down the hall.

"Okay," she said, standing in the living room with the lights off, "I'm alone. Do you have an update?"

"We know what happened," Easter said.

"You, you do?" Emily was suddenly frozen.

"Interpol was hacked. Someone got information on all of our undercover agents, past and present. We think that he sold the information about your team and that's how their covers were made."

"Dammit, Clyde! How did this happen? How did someone gain access to our servers?"

"It was one of our own. An analyst."

"Who?" Emily demanded.

"His name is Henry DeMarco. And before you ask, we don't know where he is. We think that he is going to sell all of the information he stole to the highest bidder. Finding him is Interpol's number one priority," Easter said.

"I'm coming back then–"

"No," Clyde stopped her.

"After all of this, I'm still suspended?" Emily exclaimed. "I don't give a damn, I'm coming back to help find him."

"I need you to stay where you are, Emily. We don't know where DeMarco is, I need to know that I have someone in the states that I can trust if it comes to that."

"The BAU can help," Emily said, "if he's in the country, Garcia will find him."

"No," Clyde spoke firmly. "This isn't Doyle, you aren't the only one being targeted. We have agents all over the world whose safety will be compromised if this list gets out."

"They won't leak it."

"Emily," Easter sighed, "your team in Bucharest, it was the only information he sold. We think it was to fund his movement before he could sell all of the information he stole. It could have been random, or he could have been targeting you or one of your agents. It's likely he knows about your past with Doyle."

"Which means he knows about my team."

"And he could be monitoring you. If he notices anything out of the ordinary, like the BAU assisting in the search, he might not wait for the highest bidder. He could sell out our agents before we have a chance to find him."

"I understand," Emily said, "but how can I help from here?"

"For now just be vigilant. Use secure lines when you talk on the phone, let me know if you see anything out of the ordinary. I will contact you as soon as I know more. You must tell no one about this, Emily, including your former team. I have to go now," Clyde said, "stay safe."

"You too," Emily muttered before Easter hung up.

Emily stood there in the dark living room, her phone still gripped in her hand. Finally, she knew what had happened to her team. She knew who was responsible. But there was nothing she could do. And it was so much bigger than that. It wasn't just her team that had been targeted, but all Interpol undercover agents.

The current agents would be as good as dead if their identities got out.

And past agents would be endangered. Their friends and families. It would be like Doyle, but for so many other agents.

And Lauren Reynolds was not Emily's only undercover identity. And Doyle wasn't the only person who wanted her dead.

She couldn't let this happen to others. She couldn't let this happen to her team again.

But there was nothing she could do. She didn't have her Interpol resources or FBI resources. She had even been blocked from accessing the Interpol online system.

They knew who he was. But now they had to find him.

They had to.


	24. Chapter 24

**Thank you for the reviews, favorites, and follows. I love hearing from all of you. I hope you enjoy this chapter.**

 **I do not own Criminal Minds**

* * *

When JJ walked into the kitchen Emily was sitting at the counter with a cup of coffee in her hands.

"Good morning," JJ smiled. She poured herself a mug of coffee and took a sip, grimacing as she swallowed the cold and bitter coffee. "How long have you been up?" She asked as she dumped the rest of the coffee down the sink.

Emily looked over at the clock, "a few hours."

"Are you alright? Did you have a nightmare?"

"I'm fine," Emily glanced down at her coffee. She couldn't look JJ in the eye. Because she wanted to tell her. She wanted to tell JJ everything. But she couldn't. Because as much as she was hurting, as much as it hurt to know this and not be able to do anything, some things were still top secret. Some things she just couldn't share.

But JJ noticed.

Because this time Emily didn't do a good job of hiding it.

JJ walked over and sat next to Emily, "hey," she said gently, "what's going on?"

When Emily didn't look at her JJ leaned toward her and turned her head, "Emily?"

Emily bit her lip. She turned her head, but kept her eyes averted, "I'm just... I'm having a bad day."

"Is there anything I can do?" JJ rested her hand on top of Emily's.

Emily shook her head. Then she suddenly sat up and removed her hand from beneath JJ's, "you should go now if you don't want to be late."

"I can stay," JJ said, "I'll call Hotch."

"No," Emily said, finally looking up at her, "I promise I'll be okay."

"Are you sure?" JJ asked. She looked at Emily with concern.

"Yeah," Emily said with a strained smile, "I'll see you tonight."

JJ glanced at the clock and stood slowly, "I love you, Em. Call if you need anything."

Emily nodded.

JJ grabbed her bag and left the house. When she got in her car, she sat there for a moment before she pulled out her cellphone.

XXX

Emily heard the car pull out of the driveway and stared at her coffee. It was happening again. Her team, her friends, the life she had created, everything, it was in danger. It could have been random, this man targeting her team first, but she knew it wasn't. Deep down she knew. Because he knew about Doyle, and he knew about her, and he knew about her team.

And he had killed her Interpol team.

And he was somewhere, somewhere with the names and identities of agents all over the world and there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it. This man who had killed her team. This man who was putting hundreds of agents in harm's way. Threatening her family.

Emily didn't realize that her hand had begun shaking. The mug she gripped shook and coffee sloshed out of it. Then she drew back her arm and threw the mug across the kitchen. It hit the wall and fell to the floor, breaking into large pieces. She stared at the dent. The coffee on the floor. The shards of ceramic.

There was a knock at the door.

Emily jerked up, listening closely. Her gun was still in the drawer of the bedside table in the guest room. To get it she would have to pass by the front door. She was trying to judge whether she'd be able to get it in time when there was a shout.

"Emily, it's me, Derek! I know you're in there, come let me in!"

Emily sighed, annoyed at herself and at Derek. She stood and limped to the front door, looking out the window before she opened it. "What?"

"Still not a morning person, I see," he raised a brow.

"What are you doing here, it's eight o'clock."

"I was up and thought I'd stop by."

"JJ called you, didn't she."

"C'mon, let me in. I think the neighbors are starting to stare."

Emily stepped aside, her question answered. They walked into the kitchen. He stopped when he saw the dent in the wall and the broken mug on the floor. "What happened here?"

"Slipped," Emily shrugged.

"I guess I could just pretend I believe you for the moment. Let's get this off the floor before someone steps on it." He picked up the large pieces and threw them away. Then he wiped up the coffee and the smaller pieces. "I have stuff to fix up this dent at one of my properties. If we go now we can easily have it fixed before JJ gets home."

Emily agreed and they got in Derek's car. As he drove to his property, Emily kept her eyes on his side mirror, watching the traffic around them.

"Do you want me to get interesting with my driving?" Derek asked, a brow raised.

"That's never a bad idea."

Derek took a sharp right, "so, do you wanna tell me what's going on?"

She did. But she couldn't. "Do you ever regret leaving the BAU?"

Derek thought for a moment before answering, "sometimes, yeah. Sometimes I feel guilty that I'm not helping the BAU. But a wise man once asked me, and you better not let it leak that I just called Rossi wise, 'where can you do the most good, and still do yourself the least harm?'

"The BAU, Interpol, they're not easy. Why do you think so many people have left the BAU? I wasn't doing myself the least harm there anymore. Does that make sense?" He looked over at Emily who nodded.

"There is always going to be another UNSUB, but there is also always going to be more people to catch them. One day you won't work for Interpol, and JJ, Garcia, Hotch, Rossi, Reid, and Lewis will no longer be at the BAU. But there will be others, and they'll stay as long as they can, and then someone else will take their place. Do yourself the least harm, remember? And when you can't anymore, find somewhere else where you can do the most good."

"Do you ever think about leaving?" Derek asked.

"Sometimes," Emily said softly, surprising even herself. She had never really thought about that before. She had never thought of a life where she didn't work for the FBI or Interpol. That had been all she had ever known. She was good at it, she did good, but it was taking something from her.

"There's more than the BAU or Interpol. Look at me," Derek said, "I've got a wife, a son, I never imagined that I would have a family. But I also never imagined that I could ever be this happy."

Emily thought about JJ. They still hadn't really talked about the fact that Emily was going back to London. And Emily didn't want to think about it. She couldn't think about leaving.

"You can trust me, you know that, right?"

"Yeah," Emily whispered, "I know."

"I just want you to be happy Princess, and I can see that right now you're struggling."

Emily looked up and blinked quickly, "I never imagined myself settling down. I was never the type to get married and get a 9 to 5 job."

"You don't have to do anything you don't want to, but you also don't have to do this. What do you want? What would make you happy?"

"I don't know." Emily had never thought about that before. Her happiness had never been a factor.

"Think about it," Derek said, "just think about it."


	25. Chapter 25

_**I am so sorry that it has taken me so long to post this chapter. To the anon reviewer who asked (and anyone else): this story is not abandoned! My updating may be a little unpredictable this summer, but I assure you that I will keep posting! And with that, I want to thank you all for your patience and support. And I hope you enjoy the chapter.**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

When JJ got home she heard voices from the kitchen.

"I honestly thought it was the same."

"I told you it wouldn't match!"

"It must be the lighting or something."

"Derek, face it. JJ is definitely going to notice this."

"I'm definitely going to notice what?" JJ asked. She walked into the kitchen and stood behind Emily and Derek who were facing the wall, "and why are you standing?"

"Nothing. And I'm not, this is just an illusion" Emily turned around and gave her a tight smile. JJ looked past her and saw a spot on the wall that Derek was still painting. The paint was about two shades lighter than the rest of the wall.

"What exactly happened here?" JJ asked, her hands on her hips.

Emily bit her lip, "Derek punched the wall."

"What!" Derek flung the paintbrush, spattering the yellow-tan paint onto Emily's shoulder, "I did not punch the wall."

JJ raised her brow at Emily.

"Uh," Emily squirmed, "rats?"

"That's the best you could come up with?" Derek turned back to finish painting the wall.

"The uh," Emily said, "well I tripped, and the mug kind of just flew out of my hand."

"Are you okay?" JJ asked quickly.

"I'm fine," Emily assured her, "but there was also a mug casualty."

"So you broke a mug too?"

"Well, uh..."

JJ smiled and laughed, "I'm not mad, Em."

"You had me fooled," Derek said, "I was just about to head for cover."

JJ reached out and took Emily's hand, "all I care is that you're okay. I don't care about a hole in the wall."

"Dent," Emily corrected.

"Okay, I don't care about a _dent_ in the wall."

"But for future reference, she also doesn't care about holes in the wall," Derek offered.

JJ gave him a look and he closed the paint container. "I think that's my cue," he said, "the paint should be dry soon, and if you absolutely hate it, I can come back with a better color tomorrow."

"I think we can take it from here. But thank you," JJ added.

"Anytime," he gave her a knowing look and nodded. "See you later," Derek said and grabbed his jacket before leaving.

"I'm gone for eight hours and you have to patch a hole in the wall?"

"Dent," Emily corrected.

JJ shook her head, "dent," she repeated. "And how are you?"

"Would you believe me if I said I was fine?"

"Not for a second," JJ said, "come on." She led Emily to the couch and they sat down, "what's going on?"

Emily looked at JJ. She thought of the conversation she had had with Derek. She thought about Interpol and the BAU. She thought of how much she loved this intelligent, thoughtful, and strong woman who was sitting next to her. Then she thought of the conversation she had had with Easter and immediately that feeling came back, the pit in her stomach. She thought of JJ, Derek, the team. Her family.

She swallowed, "There are..." she shook her head, "there are some things that I just can't tell you. It's not because I don't want to, and it's not because I don't trust you, please believe that. But with Interpol, I just, I can't always tell you what's going on."

"Then can you tell me how I can help?" JJ asked.

"You... just being you is all I need."

"Okay," JJ said, she took Emily's hand and smiled, "I can be me. I understand if you can't always tell me everything, Em. It's never been about me needing to know the details of your investigations. I want to help you and oftentimes talking about what's hurting helps. But if that's not possible, we'll find another way, okay?"

"I wish," Emily sighed, "I just wish things were different. You shouldn't have to deal with this."

"I wish you weren't hurting," JJ said, "but I have never wished that I weren't involved with you. And I have never regretted it. You have shown me more love than I ever thought possible. And you have helped me be myself and not care what others might think. You have shown me that love is love, Emily Prentiss, and I love you."

XXX

JJ woke up to a scream. She opened her eyes and she sat up. She turned on the lamp and looked over to see Emily struggling beneath the blankets, her face contorted in pain.

"Get out... no, JJ... get out... Doyle..." Emily muttered.

"Emily, wake up," JJ shook her shoulder gently, "it's just a dream. You're safe."

Emily's eyes shot open and she stared at JJ, her eyes filled with terror and pain. Then she tore the blankets away and bolted to the bathroom slamming the door shut behind her. JJ got up and followed, she could hear the sound of Emily vomiting through the door.

"I'm coming in," she called before turning the doorknob and walking into the bathroom. Emily retched into the toilet coughing. JJ gently pulled Emily's hair away from her face, "it's okay," she whispered, "it's okay."

Emily gagged and coughed and then slumped back. JJ sat down behind her and pulled Emily into her body. "It's okay," she continued to whisper, feeling Emily's clammy skin against her own. She wrapped her arms around the other woman and felt her body shiver. "I know it's scary, but you are not alone Emily. You are not alone."

Emily let her body relax against JJ's. She listened to her words and let herself believe them, if only for the moment. For just a second she felt safe. The images of Doyle and JJ and the bomb faded away as she felt JJ's arms around her. She closed her eyes.

XXX

When Emily opened her eyes she was still in the bathroom. She was tucked against JJ's body on the cold floor. "How long have I been asleep?"

"About two hours," JJ replied.

"We're both going to be sore," Emily said.

"You're probably right about that," JJ said, but she wasn't upset, "how are you doing?"

"I think it's safe to say I've been better."

"You had a nightmare?"

"I don't really want to talk about it right now," Emily said quickly, "but, thanks. Thank you for... you know."

"Of course. Do you need anything?"

Emily sat up and stretched out her arms. "I think I'm going to take a shower."

JJ stood and helped Emily up, "call if you need anything."

Emily nodded and when JJ left the bathroom she stood in front of the mirror and stared at herself. Her eyes were red and her hair was a mess. She sighed and turned on the shower, stripping off her clothes as the water warmed. She stepped inside and let the water run over her body.

And the longer she stood there the angrier she got.

Angry at the man who had killed her team. Who was putting the people she loved in danger.

And angry that there wasn't a damn thing she could do about it.


	26. Chapter 26

_**Thank you all for the reviews! I hope you enjoy this chapter and I would love to hear what you think.**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

When Emily got out of the shower JJ made them both hot chocolate. They sat on the couch together with the TV on, not talking, but JJ held her hand. Her way of telling Emily that she was there if she wanted to talk.

And when the sun finally came over the horizon Emily convinced JJ that she was okay and JJ got ready for work.

And when JJ was gone Emily got up. She got in her car and drove. She drove and drove because she couldn't stand just sitting there anymore. She wanted to be working to find him, in the London office, here, it didn't really matter. But she needed something to do, some way to help. But instead her only orders had been to do nothing. To wait. And dammit, she wasn't good at either of those.

But she didn't have access to the Interpol database and she hadn't heard back from Easter. And there was no way to find out more about DeMarco without tipping him off. So instead she drove. Random streets, no destination, while thoughts wrapped around her mind. Thoughts that were doing their best to paralyze her.

Then finally she knew where she needed to go. It took almost an hour to get there and when she parked she left her cane in the car and limped to the entrance.

This was where she had come when she had worked at the BAU. When she needed to let off some steam, when she just needed to hit something, but didn't want to do it at the bureau. Her wrapped hands pounded against the heavy weight bag in front of her. She thought of DeMarco and she thought of what he had done to her team and she hit hit hit the thing in front of her.

Because she had so many feelings inside of her, but the easiest to recognize was rage. The easiest to handle was rage.

So she punched the bag as sweat dripped down her face. She ignored the pain in her leg and she ignored the fear and sadness and just let herself feel rage.

Her face was red and her breaths were fast, but the tightness in her chest was beginning to loosen.

She didn't stop when her hands began to hurt and her arms began to ache.

She didn't stop until she could feel some of the rage escape. Until she could finally think again.

It was just after five when Emily left the gym and drove back to JJ's. The sun was starting to go down, casting shadows across the yard.

She didn't want to sit alone in the quiet house. She didn't want to be alone with her thoughts anymore. But she got out of the car and walked into the house anyway.

The lights were off in the front hall and Emily flipped them on, kicking her shoes off in the process. Emily was hanging up her jacket when she heard a noise coming from down the hall. There was someone moving around in the bedroom.

Emily set down her bag, and pulled the gun out of her waistband. The lights were off in the kitchen and living room, but lights shone through the crack beneath the door of their room down the hall. Emily stepped silently, her gun cocked up ahead of her. Her heart beat loudly.

She could picture DeMarco in the room. It wouldn't have been hard for him to find out where she was staying. Hell, he could have been surveilling her for days. All he would have had to do was follow someone from the BAU to her. Emily hadn't tried to conceal her location, at the time it hadn't seemed necessary.

The sound of drawers opening and closing could be heard as Emily rested her hand on the doorknob. She turned it slowly with her left hand, her gun still in the right and opened the door. She stepped into the room and pointed the gun at the person staring back at her.

"Emily," JJ shouted, "it's just me, drop the gun!" JJ had her hands up in front of her.

Emily dropped the gun to her side, her heart still beating wildly. She had been so ready to see DeMarco. So convinced it was him behind this door.

"What're you? Your car?" was all Emily could manage.

"Penelope gave me a ride," JJ responded, "my car wouldn't start."

"Your–your car?" Emily took three steps to the bed and sat on the edge, "Shit, I thought someone had broken in."

"I'm sorry," JJ said, "I didn't mean to scare you."

"What, no," Emily shook her head, " _I'm_ sorry for pointing my gun at you."

"It's okay," JJ said, sitting beside her and taking her hand, "it happens."

"You've burst into someone's bedroom and pointed a gun at them?"

"I didn't say it happened to _me_ ," JJ gave her a small smile, "but it's not a big deal."

Emily sighed, "your car?"

JJ shrugged, "I got it towed to the shop, they're going to call."

Emily nodded. She looked JJ in the eyes, "I really am sorry."

"I know you are, Emily." She brushed a hair away from her face, "and it's okay. I'm okay. _We're_ okay. Okay?"

"Okay."

XXX

Emily was lying awake in bed when her phone rang, she picked it up after the first ring and slipped out of the room.

"You alone?" Emily immediately recognized Easter's voice.

"Yes," she spoke softly.

"We've located him."

"Where?"

"DC."

Emily sucked in a breath, "you were right."

"After all these years you still sound surprised."

"Clyde."

"Yes, yes. We were able to trace his location, he's not far from you."

"Okay," Emily said, "give me the address; I'll get backup."

"No," Easter stopped her, "you go alone."

Emily paused, "I'll need help to take him into custody."

Easter took a breath, "if it were up to me, Emily, we would take him into custody. Then we could figure out how he had hacked us, who he was going to sell to. But this isn't my investigation anymore, the director has gotten involved. And they don't want to take him into custody. These orders have not come lightly, but they have assessed the risk and don't believe that taking him into custody will diminish the threat he presents. And while I would prefer to arrest him, I understand their decision. We know better than anyone that monsters can never truly be contained."

Emily said nothing.

"Your orders are to take him out and to do it neatly."


	27. Chapter 27

_**I do not own Criminal Minds.**_

* * *

She had killed people before.

But she had only ever done it out of necessity. She had only ever done it when someone's life was in immediate danger.

And she had never been ordered to kill before.

She had gone after terrible people, _monsters_ , for the FBI and Interpol. She had profiled and infiltrated, she had lied, and she had pretended to be someone else, but never this. She had never done this.

She was an agent, not an assassin.

And something didn't feel right.

But if she didn't do this, if she didn't follow her orders, what if DeMarco escaped? Or what if the list got out? What if she could have stopped this and she didn't?

Emily paced back and forth in the living room. She barely dared to breathe, listening closely for JJ. Because she didn't want JJ to wake up.

Except she did. Because, god, what was she supposed to she do?

Because something didn't feel right. _This_ didn't feel right.

And she had no idea what in the hell to do.

XXX

Emily picked the lock easily and stepped into the apartment. The only light on was a lamp in the corner of the living room. It cast shadows onto the floor in front of Emily. She walked through the kitchen and living room and let out a slow breath as she put her hand on the doorknob to the bedroom.

When she walked in she immediately recognized the figure in the bed.

"Penelope," Emily whispered.

Garcia mumbled and rolled over.

"Garcia," Emily said louder this time.

"Wha?" She shot up and look around, "who?"

"It's okay, it's Emily," she said.

"What're you doing here?" Garcia blinked and looked around, "did you–? How did you get in? Did you break in?"

"Yes," Emily said, "and that reminds me that I'm going to replace your lock later."

"What's wrong with my lock?"

Emily gave her a look, "if took me less than two seconds to get in."

"But, but, why did you break in?" Garcia swung her legs over the side of the bed, "why didn't you call?" She turned on the lamp, "what's going on?"

"I need you to do something for me, Pen. It's really important, but I can't tell you what it's about. Do you trust me?"

Garcia nodded slowly.

Emily took the bag that had been hanging from her shoulder and pulled out her laptop. She handed it to Garcia, "I need you to get me into the Interpol database."

"But you work there," Garcia said, confused, "why do you need me to get you in?"

"Garcia," Emily said, beginning to grow impatient, "this is really important, okay? So no questions."

"Okay," Garcia said still uncertain, but she opened the laptop and began to type.

Emily paced back and forth in Garcia's bedroom. She kept looking between Garcia and her phone, waiting to see if she had any messages. And finally, after what felt like eternity, Garcia spoke.

"I'm in."

Emily darted over and grabbed the laptop. She sat on the edge of the bed and searched DeMarco's name. His file came up and Emily began to read through it.

And that feeling, the one she had gotten after the call from Easter, grew stronger. Something wasn't right and she needed to figure out what it was.

XXX

Emily knocked on the car window and the door unlocked.

"Any movement?" She asked as she sat in the passenger seat and closed the door.

"None," JJ said, "what did you find in his file?"

Emily shook her head, "I don't know. Here," she handed JJ the papers she had printed at Garcia's.

JJ took the stack and skimmed through them.

"I need to know it's not just me," Emily said, "do you think he matches the profile of this UNSUB?"

JJ finished looking through the papers, but didn't answer right away. She looked between Emily and the house they were surveilling, "it's hard to tell from just a file, but no, nothing in here indicates to me that he's the UNSUB. Do you think that Interpol got it wrong?" JJ asked.

"I don't have access to anything from their investigation, but I don't know what they could have found to lead them to DeMarco if he isn't the UNSUB."

"Unless he's being set up," JJ offered.

Emily considered it, "or, he could have just tricked everyone for years and he could really be a traitor."

"Can you call Easter?" JJ asked, "maybe he could get you the information from the case."

Emily shook her head, "Clyde is under his own orders and he's not heading up the investigation anymore. There's not much he could do." Emily bit her lip and furrowed her brows, "do you think I'm doing the right thing here, Jayje?" She looked over to the house, "I wasn't ordered to investigate him, I was just ordered to..." she trailed off. Emily looked up before bringing her eyes back to JJ.

"And when have you ever been good at following orders?"

"But what if I'm wrong? What if he is guilty?"

"Then we arrest him and destroy the Interpol information he stole. But even if he is, Em, we don't get to choose his punishment, not like this."

"I know," Emily whispered, "but, god, you saw what happened with Doyle. You saw how many people he killed when he escaped."

"We will find the person who stole this list, whether it is DeMarco or not. But we have to be better than them, Emily, we _have_ to be. We don't get to become monsters just to stop one."

"I know," Emily looked away.

"I know you do," JJ tilted her head, "I know because you woke me up, and you asked for help. So we're going to figure this out together, okay?"

"Okay," Emily nodded and took a deep breath, "okay."

"So now we need to figure out our next step," JJ said, "we could call the BAU–"

"No," Emily stopped her, "if it's not DeMarco behind this, then whoever set him up is likely watching. And when I don't kill DeMarco we all become targets." Emily reached for the door handle and JJ stopped her.

"What are you doing?"

"The only thing left to do," she opened the door and got out of the car. She made sure to close it quietly and turned to look at the house. Her heart was beating fast. Was she about to meet the man who had murdered her team? The man responsible for every Interpol agent's fear for the safety of themselves and their loved ones?

Or was she about to meet an innocent man?

Interpol couldn't help her and the BAU couldn't help her. So it was up to her. It was up to her to figure out who this man was. It was up to her to find the truth.

Emily felt a hand on her shoulder and turned her head to see JJ standing beside her.

"I'm coming with."

"You don't have to," Emily said.

"I know," JJ smiled and then she began to walk toward the house.


	28. Chapter 28

_**Sorry for the long wait for this chapter, I will try to get the next one posted soon! I hope you are all still enjoying this story.**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

JJ was sitting at the kitchen counter watching Emily pace back and forth when her cell phone rang. Emily stopped walking and turned to look at her. When JJ didn't move Emily spoke, "you should answer it," she said, "remember, everything's normal."

JJ nodded and opened her phone, "Jareau."

Emily returned to pacing and waited for JJ to hang up.

"We've got a case. Tara is picking me up."

"Okay," Emily nodded.

"I should tell them I can't go, call Hotch back and tell him I'm sick or something."

"No," Emily said, "nothing can change, and that includes your work."

JJ stood up and took Emily's hand, stopping her from pacing, "you shouldn't have to deal with this alone."

"DeMarco's dead, remember. We've got time, a little bit at least."

JJ let out a deep breath, "I hate this."

"I know," Emily said, "but it's what we have to do."

"You call me," JJ said, "you call me if _anything_ happens, or if you need _anything_."

"I will," Emily promised.

JJ let go of Emily's hand and brushed her fingers across her face.

"Thank you for helping me JJ," Emily said, "now you should go get ready before Tara gets here."

"Yeah," JJ sighed. She dropped her hand and walked to the bedroom. She emerged a few minutes later in a different outfit and with her hair pulled back. Her phone buzzed with a message from Tara.

"And JJ," Emily stopped her before she left through the front door, "you're about to be surrounding by profilers, try not to look like you just killed someone."

JJ smiled, "I'll do my best."

And when JJ was gone Emily returned to pacing. She was pacing because she needed to think. Because they had bought some time, but not a lot. And not enough.

Because Henry DeMarco was about as dead as Lauren Reynolds had been.

And eventually someone would find out. And then they would find him.

But Emily just needed enough time to figure out who had set him up. Because DeMarco was innocent. But he had evidence, evidence that Emily could use to find the real UNSUB. He had been the one to find proof that someone at Interpol had been behind the hack. And he had been working on tracing the hacker. And he was getting close, close to revealing who at Interpol was a traitor.

And that was when the threats came. And that was why he had fled.

He had given Emily all of the information he had and it was enough to make her believe him.

Enough for her to believe that someone at Interpol was ordering his execution to cover it up.

XXX

JJ and Tara were the last to walk into the bullpen and take their seats.

"Good, we can get started now," Hotch said, "an anonymous tip was called in last night leading the DC police to what appears to be a abduction." He clicked on the laptop and a photo of the outside of a home appeared on the screen.

JJ felt her stomach drop and her heart stop. She made sure to keep her face neutral as her heart then began to pound rapidly. Because she recognized that house. And she had been there last night.

"Appears?" Tara asked, breaking through JJ's fog.

"The lock on the front door was broken and there was blood found in the house, but no body has been found."

"Have there been any similar missing persons cases in the area?" Rossi asked.

"Garcia is running a search, but right now nothing sticks out."

"If it isn't serial, why is this a BAU case?" JJ asked.

"Our team was specifically requested to work the case," Hotch explained, "the DC police have agreed to let us help and I've been ordered to make this a top priority. Our job is to find the victim and the UNSUB, but in order to do that, we must first identify who is missing."

"Is there any reason to believe the victim isn't the homeowner?" Rossi asked.

"That's the problem the DC police have run into. The name on the lease appears to be fake and the house was bought in all cash a week ago. I want JJ and Rossi to go to the scene, Reid, I want you to work with Garcia, look for any cases with similar MOs and try to identify the victim. Tara and I will coordinate with the local law enforcement on the search."

XXX

JJ looked out the passenger side window as she held her cell phone up to her ear. Emily picked up after the first ring.

"Hey, Em," JJ said, "I'm with Rossi," she added quickly.

"Got it. How's the case?"

"It's actually in DC," JJ turned to glance at Rossi, "but I'm not sure I'll make it back tonight, it's a missing persons case."

"Is there anything I can do to help?" Emily asked.

JJ paused. She wanted to tell Emily about the case, but she couldn't, not with Rossi sitting beside her.

"Are you okay, Jayje?" Emily asked when JJ didn't answer.

"No, not really."

"What's going on?" Emily waited a beat, "is it something you can't say in front of Dave?"

"Yeah."

"Does it have to do with what happened last night?"

"Yeah."

"Okay," Emily said, trying to work out her next question, "does someone know something?"

JJ looked up as the SUV came to a stop in front of the house, "I gotta go Em, I'll call you when I have a chance."

JJ hung up and opened the car door. She stepped out and walked around the SUV to where Rossi was standing. "How's Emily doing?"

"She's good," JJ smiled, lying through her teeth.

They walked up the driveway together and to the front door where a uniformed officer stood.

"I'm Agent Rossi," Rossi introduced himself, "this is Agent Jareau, we're with the FBI."

He nodded as if he had been expecting them, "Detective Lancaster is inside."

They walked in and JJ tried not to give any indication she had been there before. No recognition.

"Detective Lancaster?" Rossi asked.

The shorter woman turned to look at them, "that's me," she said, "you can call me Sharon. I take it you're the FBI agents who want my case?"

"We're only here to help," JJ said.

"I guess it's all besides the point," Sharon said, "I've been ordered to cooperate with you. I just don't understand why you want this case. If it were serial, sure. But a single missing persons in a DC neighborhood? Is there something you all want to tell me about my case?"

"We know just about as much as you do, probably less until we've seen the scene. Think of us as extra manpower for your case." Rossi said, "by the way, I'm Dave and this is JJ."

"This is Talia," Sharon introduced the detective beside her, "let's get to it then. We think the UNSUB got in through the front door." They walked back down the hall.

"This doesn't look like a normal lock," Rossi said.

"Good eye," Sharon replied, "the lock had recently been replaced. This is state of the art."

"So the victim was expecting someone?" JJ asked.

"All the locks have been replaced, on the windows as well."

"But the UNSUB still got in through the front door?" Rossi examined the door. There were no windows around it, nothing was obviously broken.

"It was locked," Sharon said, "whoever did it would have to be a hell of a lock picker."

"It's not much to go off of, but it's something," Rossi spoke, "who found the scene?"

"Anonymous tip called it in," Sharon said, "and if you'll follow me upstairs, I'll show you where we found the blood."

The four of them walked up the stairs and into the bedroom on the right. There was a large pool of blood on the floor to the right of the bed along with drops leading to the door, it matched the crime scene photos that Hotch had shown them.

"So, what, UNSUB enters the room, victim gets out of bed, and UNSUB shoots him? Stabs him?" Rossi offered.

"Then what?" JJ asked. "The UNSUB would have had to carry the victim out of the house."

"So maybe the UNSUB just injured the victim and then forced him out of the house." Rossi looked around the bedroom, "what have you found to help with IDing the victim?"

"We found five passports, different countries, different names, but the same man's photograph." Sharon informed them.

"It sure looks like this guy was running from someone. The passports, the locks on the doors and windows," Rossi said, "I doubt this was random, whoever this victim was, he was targeted. And if we can identify him then we might be able to determine who had motive to do this."

"The crime scene techs have dusted the house for prints, but we didn't get a match to any of them." Sharon explained.

Rossi nodded. He walked over to the closet and opened the door. Less than a half dozen shirts were hanging up. In the corner was a small suitcase, the size of a carry on. In the drawers were just a few pairs of pants.

"So we have multiple passports, a suitcase, and seemingly no personal belongings. On top of that, the victim purchased this house a week ago. What does that tell you, JJ?"

"He just got here," JJ said, "probably from somewhere abroad."

"Exactly," Rossi pointed at her, "and just because the victim's prints aren't in our database, doesn't mean they aren't in a different agency's."

"Interpol," JJ said, she could feel her stomach drop.

"It will take weeks to access their database," Sharon said.

"Let us give it a shot," Rossi said, "we have a contact there."


	29. Chapter 29

_**I hope you're all doing well. Thank you for reading and I'd love to hear what you think!**_

 ** _I do not own Criminal Minds_**

* * *

JJ met Emily at the door to the bullpen. She had a visitors badge on and had changed since the morning. But the dark circles under her eyes were still there and they contrasted darkly against her pale face. But JJ knew the team would read nothing more into it than the fact that Emily was still recovering from her injury.

And when JJ looked at Emily she couldn't stop the tears that came to her eyes.

"Jayje," Emily stepped forward and pulled her into a hug, "what's going on?"

JJ opened her mouth to reply when someone said Emily's name.

Emily let go of JJ and they both turned toward Hotch who had stepped out of the conference room.

"Thank you for coming in," Hotch said as he walked toward the pair, "did JJ tell you about the case?"

"Uh, no," JJ said, clearing her throat, "I didn't have a chance."

"Okay," Hotch nodded, "why don't you come into the conference room." Emily followed him and he continued to talk, "we're trying to identify a missing person. We lifted prints from his possessions, but we haven't gotten a match."

"So you want me to run them through Interpol?"

"If you could that would be a lot of help."

"Do you have any reason to believe he's in the Interpol database?" Emily asked as they walked into the conference room.

"We believe he has recently traveled abroad and may be a foreign national."

"Okay," Emily said. She walked up to the board that had been covered with crime scene photos and began to examine them.

And even as JJ watched her closely, looking for some sort of reaction, she saw nothing.

"Is this a serial case?" Emily asked.

"At this point it doesn't appear so," Hotch said.

Emily nodded and continued to look over the images, "why is the BAU investigating?"

"I really can't give you any more details, I hope you understand."

"Of course," Emily replied. She turned away from the board and looked at Hotch. "Just send me the prints and I'll make sure they get run at Interpol."

"Garcia should be sending them now," Aaron said.

As if on queue, Emily's phone buzzed.

"Why don't you use my office," JJ offered.

Emily nodded and JJ walked with her out of the conference room. She gave JJ a knowing look, but said nothing. The bullpen wasn't the place. And when they got to JJ's office Emily turned, "give me a minute?"

JJ nodded.

Emily stepped into JJ's office and shut the door behind her. "Shit," she hissed. Then she dialed a number and waited while it rang.

"Prentiss," Easter said.

"Can you tell my why the BAU got assigned to the DeMarco case?" Emily hissed, keeping her voice low.

"Slow down," he said, "what happened?"

"The BAU got assigned to help the DC police on the Henry DeMarco case. Apparently they were requested."

"I have no idea why that would happen," Easter said, "do they know anything?"

"Not yet. They think DeMarco is in the Interpol database, but they haven't ID'd him yet. That's why they called me in."

"I'll get this all figured out," Clyde said, "let me talk to the director. Don't worry, okay? You were under Interpol orders. But Jesus, Prentiss, don't give them anything. It will be easier if we can get this figured out before they have him identified and start pointing fingers."

"Get this figured out, Clyde, quickly."

"I'll get this taken care of, Emily, I promise."

She hung up and opened the door, gesturing for JJ to join her. She walked in and closed the door.

"Why does the BAU have this case?" Emily asked quickly.

"Someone requested us. I don't know who or why."

"Okay," Emily nodded, "okay." She began to pace in JJ's office.

"What do I do?"

Emily stopped and turned to JJ, "you didn't do anything wrong here, okay? But we _cannot_ let the team figure out what happened. Someone put the BAU on this case, and it's probably someone who knew what my orders were."

"But why would they want his death investigated? Especially if they wanted him dead?"

"I don't know," Emily shook her head, "but keep working with the team okay? And do whatever you can to keep them away from DeMarco. I'm going to keep working with the evidence we got from him. If we can figure out who set him up then maybe we can figure out why the BAU was assigned this case."

"Okay," JJ said. "I love you, Em."

"I love you too," Emily kissed her gently on the lips and then left the office.

XXX

The team sat around the conference table.

"Does anyone else find this a little weird?" Rossi asked, "we get put on a single missing persons case in DC, we don't know who requested us. The victim is unidentifiable, probably from abroad, and clearly running away from someone."

"Let's just try to work the case with what we have," Hotch said, "even if this isn't the type of case we usually work we can still help. Has Emily had any luck with Interpol?" Hotch looked at JJ.

"She's still waiting to hear back."

"Okay," Hotch nodded, "and anything on your end?" He looked at Reid.

"Nothing," he said, "sorry."

Hotch sighed, "anything on the UNSUB?"

"The DC police sent Garcia the fingerprints found at the scene. They didn't have any luck but are hoping the UNSUB might be in the FBI database," Rossi said.

"We should get those prints to Emily as well," Hotch said.

Hotch's phone rang and he picked it up, "Hotchner."

"Yes, okay," he grunted then hung up the phone, "I'll be back, keep working on the profile."

The rest of the team sat there, hashing out theories and going over evidence. JJ contributed, keeping her ideas away from the reality of what had happened. They had been going over the case for less than fifteen minutes when Hotch returned, his face grim.

"Everything okay?" Tara asked.

"Rossi, with me. The rest of you, keep working," Hotch ordered.

Rossi got up and followed Hotch out of the conference room.

"What was that about?" Reid asked.

"I have no idea," JJ said.

JJ, Reid, and Lewis continued to discuss the case, trying to come up with at least a preliminary profile. But after going back and forth for twenty minutes and still not coming up with anything, JJ's phone buzzed. She looked down and saw a message from Garcia asking JJ to meet her in her office. She left the conference room and walked downstairs.

"Do you have anything," JJ asked when she walked into Garcia's lair.

"Not yet. I was hoping I could get your help," she said, her voice void of its usual pep.

"Of course," JJ sat in the empty chair, "what do you need?"

"Hotch is asking me to work on the geography, to try to figure out the UNSUBs comfort zone," she said, not quite looking at JJ, but instead staring at her screen.

"How are we supposed to make a geographical profile? We only have one point."

"Oh, yeah," Penelope said uncertainly, "well, uh, then we should do something else."

"What's going on, Pen?" JJ asked.

"Nothing."

"Look at me," JJ demanded, waiting until Garcia reluctantly turned and met her gaze, "tell me what's going on."

"I hate this, I hate lying to you." Penelope was wringing her hands.

"Then don't. Whatever's going on, you can tell me."

Garcia bit her lip and looked at JJ. "I'm supposed to be distracting you," she said finally.

"Distracting me?" JJ asked.

"They're bringing in a suspect for questioning."

"And you're supposed to distract me from that? Why?"

"It's Emily."

"What's Emily?"

"The prints the DC police found... the reason they didn't get a match and I did, well, since Emily works undercover her prints have been removed from all databases. But I keep all your guys' information, you know, just in case."

"Garcia, what are you saying?"

"Emily's prints, they were at the crime scene, and I was supposed to distract you while they brought her in for questioning."


	30. Chapter 30

**Thank you all for the reviews, favorites, follows, and for sticking with me despite my slow postings. However, I should get the rest of the chapters posted much faster than the last few months went. I hope you are all still enjoying the story and I would love to receive any reviews you're willing to leave :)**

 **I do not own Criminal Minds**

* * *

Emily sat there, her fingers laced, staring ahead. She didn't move or fidget. Her breaths were deep and even. A perfect contrast to how she was feeling inside.

They shouldn't have connected her to DeMarco, at least not this quickly. But they had, which meant that someone had tipped them off. Likely the same person who had requested them on the case.

When the door opened Emily silently counted to five before turning her head to see Hotch and Rossi walk in. Hotch's face was unreadable. Rossi's was different. Curious, concerned, some combination of the two.

"When I said I hoped to see you soon, these weren't exactly the circumstances I had imagined," Rossi opened the conversation.

"Really? You don't like to question old friends?" Emily replied dryly.

Aaron sat down and opened a file. Emily forced herself to look straight forward.

"Henry DeMarco," Hotch said, "Interpol Analyst. Former British Intelligence."

Emily's face gave away nothing while her mind was racing. They shouldn't have been able to ID him at all, let alone in less than a day. His prints and DNA wouldn't have been in any US database.

"Unbeknownst to you, I don't know everyone who works at Interpol."

"But you knew him. We found your prints at the scene," Hotch said.

Emily took a controlled breath. She knew she hadn't left any prints at the scene, and that meant only one thing, someone was setting her up to take the fall for this. Someone wanted her to get arrested.

"But you can still help yourself, Emily," Rossi said, "maybe you didn't mean to hurt him. Maybe things just got out of hand, maybe he came at you first."

"Where is he?" Hotch demanded.

Emily thought through her options, limited as they were.

"You don't have anyone to hide behind," Aaron said, "I contacted Interpol and heard some pretty interesting things. You, for example, are on suspension pending investigation. You are a person of interest in the murder of six Interpol Agents."

And that was the first time since Emily had been taken in that she lost her facade. Aaron picked up on it immediately and used it.

"Did you kill those agents?"

"No," Emily snapped.

"You probably didn't mean for it to happen," Rossi said, "things just got out of hand."

Emily's jaw was clenched. She looked at Rossi, closely examining each movement and facial expression. Then she turned to Hotch and did the same, "I'll talk to you. Alone, no audio."

Aaron was silent for a moment, "fine."

"Aaron–" Rossi started.

"Go, cut off audio."

Rossi stood and exited the interrogation room and walked into the observation room. JJ was standing there, her body tense and her eyes narrow.

"You shouldn't be in here," he said, resting a hand on her shoulder.

She shrugged him off, "you can't believe she would hurt someone."

"Sometimes we think we know people..."

JJ was fuming. Fuming that her team had so easily jumped on this, that they had so easily believed lies. Because they had been there, yes, but they had worn gloves and they had been careful. Emily's prints had been planted by someone, planted by someone who didn't know that JJ had also been there. And all she wanted right now was to burst into the interrogation room and tell Hotch everything. Tell him about DeMarco and Interpol and Emily's team. She wanted to protect Emily.

But she needed to think this through. Because the danger Emily faced at the FBI was nothing compared to the danger she would face if whoever was setting her up, setting DeMarco up, discovered he was alive. But with Emily in custody, how would they figure out who that was? If the FBI had her laptop, they had all the evidence.

But this wasn't JJ's call.

So instead JJ turned and faced Rossi, doing the only thing she could think of. The only way she could defend the woman she loved without giving her away, "you worked with her for five years, and you can really say that? You can stand there and accuse her of murder? You can call her a traitor?"

He didn't respond and JJ stared at him as he switched off the audio and turned to look out the window. They could no longer hear anything. Emily's face was hidden behind Aaron's, and all they could see was the back of his head. FIve minutes passed. And then ten.

And when JJ almost couldn't handle the silence anymore Emily and Aaron stood. Hotch pulled out his cuffs and Emily turned with her hands behind her back. JJ sprang forward and opened the door in time to hear, "...if you cannot afford one, one will be appointed to you..."

"Rossi, get her out of here," Aaron said coldly.

"Five minutes," Emily said, "I gave you a confession, just give me five minutes."

Hotch sighed, "you have two."

He let go of Emily's arm and walked out of the interrogation room, keeping them in his sight as he stood in the hall. He gestured for Rossi to follow and watched Emily and JJ closely as the spoke.

"Come here," Emily whispered to JJ.

JJ walked forward and pulled her into a hug. Emily's hands were cuffed behind her back, but she rested her chin on JJ's shoulder, her mouth close to JJ's ear.

"I confessed."

"Emily–"

"Just let me talk Jayje, we don't have a lot of time."

JJ nodded.

"I confessed to his murder, it's the only way to keep whoever is behind this away. I told Hotch you weren't involved, but the FBI is going to have you under surveillance. I wouldn't tell them where he is, so they're hoping you'll lead them to him, so that means you _cannot_ go anywhere. Stay at the house, anything the FBI gets on this, Interpol will get as well."

"How're we going to figure out who set you up?"

"I have a plan," Emily promised.

"What is it?"

"I know you want to help," Emily said, "and please believe me that this has nothing to do with trust, but the less you know the safer we both are."

And as much as JJ hated to hear her say that, she knew that Emily was right. Because the FBI would have her under surveillance and anything she did to help could just hurt them both. "I still have contacts at the Justice Department," JJ said, "is there anything I can do on that end?"

"Keep me in FBI custody as long as possible," Emily requested.

"And a lawyer?" JJ asked.

"No lawyer."

"Whatever your plan is Em, please stay alive, okay? I know that this is important, but so are you. So is your life."

"Time's up," Hotch barked as he walked back into the interrogation room.

"I love you JJ, I love you so much."

"I love you too."

Emily brought her lips to JJ's and pulled her into a deep kiss. She felt JJ's hands brush through her hair and sighed. A hand took her arm and she stepped back. Aaron led her out of the interrogation room.

They passed through the bullpen where Reid and Lewis were sitting. They both stopped talking and stared wide eyed at her. Emily looked ahead, refusing any eye contact with them.

She had just confessed to murder.

And now she just hoped to god that her plan worked.


	31. Chapter 31

_**Thank you all so much for the reviews, as always, I love to hear what you think! And as promised, here is the next chapter!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

"Earlier today, former FBI Agent Emily Prentiss was arrested and charged with murder. Here's Beth with the story."

The screen changed to a woman standing outside the FBI building, her blonde hair blowing in the wind. "I'm here in Quantico, Virginia at the FBI headquarters where Emily Prentiss spent six years working for the Behavior Analysis Unit. This is a team that profiles killers, they get inside their minds, in an attempt to catch them. Now the name Emily Prentiss may sound familiar to some of you, as we reported on her death six years ago. She was allegedly killed by arms dealer Ian Doyle. While the FBI and the nation mourned her death, she was alive and well living halfway around the world.

"Now she has been arrested and charged with murder in the first degree. The FBI has not released the victim's identity, they are waiting until the family has been notified.

"Emily Prentiss left the FBI four years ago to work for Interpol, an international policing agency. She is currently under investigation by Interpol for the death of six Interpol Agents. She returned to the United States a month ago and it has been uncovered that she is engaged in a romantic relationship with current BAU Agent Jennifer Jareau. We contacted her for an interview, but she declined. Instead, FBI Special Agent Aaron Hotchner has agreed to speak with us."

The screen changed to Hotch's office. He was sitting at his desk. "I have known Emily Prentiss for 10 years, since she joined our team. She worked for the Behavioral Analysis Unit for six years."

"And what was she like as an agent?" The interviewer asked.

"She was a good agent. Professional, cold at times."

"Are you surprised that she has been arrested for murder?"

Aaron didn't blink, "I was Prentiss's superior for six years, but I never truly knew her. She is a trained spy and skilled in deception. None of us really knew her, we just knew the cover she presented. So when I say she was a good agent, that was only because that was the role she needed to play."

"Even so, you were the arresting agent. Was it hard to arrest someone you once considered a friend?"

"You can't be friends with someone you never knew. She has sold the Bureau stories for the past ten years, and I will not let that continue to happen. Emily Prentiss murdered a man and she will be held responsible for that. We are also in contact with Interpol, and she will be held responsible for the deaths of those six agents."

"How involved is the BAU in this case?"

"We were given the case originally, but once we identified Emily Prentiss as the UNSUB and made the arrest, the case was handed over to another team to prevent any misconception of conflict of interest. We are cooperating with the new team and assisting in any way that is deemed fit. This case will be done the right way to ensure that Emily Prentiss pays for her crimes."

A knock came from JJ's front door but she didn't move from her position staring at the TV. It was late, almost eleven and JJ had been restless ever since being sent home. And then when she turned on the news, the first story was about Emily.

The knocking continued, louder. "I know you're in there JJ!" Derek called, "if you don't open the door I'll kick it down!"

JJ didn't get up. She willed him to leave, she wanted to be left alone. Then the door opened and Derek walked into the living room.

"Forgot I had a key," he held it up and then put it back in his pocket.

"What are you doing here, Derek?"

Morgan looked between JJ and the television screen. He turned it off and then sat down next to her on the couch. "Garcia called me."

"I just want to be alone right now."

"Sorry, but I can't let you do that," Derek said, "come on, I want to take you somewhere."

JJ turned and looked at him, exasperated, "don't you think I've been through enough bullshit today?"

"I know," Derek said, "but there is nothing you can do tonight. I swear, in the morning I will help you look for evidence, I will help you help Emily, but right now just trust me, okay?"

JJ shook her head, "you know how much Emily has gone through in the past few months, and now she's sitting in FBI custody..."

"JJ," Derek took her hands, "we will get this figured out, okay? But right now, come with me. We'll get some drinks, I'm buying."

JJ finally agreed and Derek drove them to a bar downtown. They went and sat down at a table in the back. JJ ordered a scotch and when it came she took it down in one gulp. There were a few other people in the bar, and there was the constant noise of people talking, but JJ and Derek were silent. They sat in silence and drank in silence. JJ another Scotch and Derek a club soda.

Eventually JJ began to grow tired. She rested her head on her hands and sighed. "How is this happening?"

"I don't know," Derek shook his head.

They stayed at the bar until it closed. They talked a little, but neither had much to say. They were the last ones to leave and walked out to Derek's car together. He drove her home and when they got back to JJ's, Derek got out and walked her to the door. He pulled her into a hug.

"Call me if you need anything, JJ, okay?"

She nodded and walked inside, lightheaded and tired.

XXX

JJ rolled over. She had been drifting in and out of sleep for the past hour, always waking back up with a shock. She was somewhere between sleep and wakefulness when a pounding came on her door. There was shouting, but she didn't immediately recognize the words. In one movement JJ opened her bedside table drawer, pulled out her gun, and stood.

She walked to her bedroom door and opened it slowly, the sound of her front door being knocked down making her jump. There was definitely more than one person there. She gripped her gun tightly, took a deep breath, and turned the corner, her gun pointed out.

When she saw the letters FBI printed on the bullet proof vests of the people in her doorway she immediately dropped the gun and raised her hands above her head.

Someone shouted gun, and JJ took a step back.

"FBI, we have a search warrant," a man she didn't recognize shouted as another grabbed the gun from the ground. Then she was pushed up against the wall, her hands being held behind her back.

"Where is she?" The man shouted.

"What the hell are you talking about?" JJ shouted back, "I am an FBI agent."

"Where is Emily Prentiss?"

JJ froze for a moment, "she's in FBI custody."

"She escaped, but you already knew that, didn't you?"

"I have no idea what you're talking about," JJ shouted, her face being pushed against the wall. "Now let me go unless you've got a warrant for me as well."

"I need to frisk you– for safety, you understand."

JJ put her hands back up when he let go of them and he started to pat down her body.

"Any weapons?"

"Not on me," she said, "I have another gun in a safe in my closet."

"Is that all?"

"That and the one you already took."

When he was done searching her, he let go and JJ demanded to see a copy of the warrant. It covered her house, car, computer, phone, as well as another arrest warrant for Emily, this time with charges including escape in the first degree. They had already taken Emily's laptop when they arrested her, but they hadn't found the case files that JJ had caught a glance of Emily going through. JJ didn't even know where those were.

But Emily was out, and JJ hoped to god she knew what she was doing.

"We're taking you in for questioning."

"What's your name?" JJ turned to stare at him.

"Warren," he returned.

"Okay, Agent Warren. I am going to go get dressed and grab my bag. Then I will meet you at the Bureau."

"Not happening, you could be destroying evidence."

"Then by all means," JJ snapped, "come watch."

She walked into her bedroom where two FBI agents were searching through her drawers and pulling everything onto the ground. The contents of her life scattered around for all to see. Looking away, she opened her dresser and pulled out a pair of jeans and a shirt. Knowing she had no chance for privacy, she changed right there. Everything else of hers had been included in the warrant, they were looking for any evidence of contact with Emily.

When they pulled up to the FBI building, Agent Warren took JJ's arm and she pulled it away. He didn't try again. The building was mostly abandoned, they passed a janitor and one agent pulling an all nighter.

"This way," Warren lead her down the hall to the BAU bullpen.

"Does Hotch know what you're doing?"

"If by Hotch, you mean Agent Hotchner, then yes. And before you ask, he gave us your name. He thought you might have some valuable information." He didn't look at her as he opened up the door to the bullpen.

When they walked in, she saw the lights in Hotch's office were on. Warren climbed up the stairs to her office and tried the door. "Where are your keys?"

"In my house that your agents are in the process of tearing apart."

"Come on," he took her arm again, tighter this time, and she ripped it away.

"Try that again and you'll wish you hadn't left all your agents at my house."

"Is that a threat?" Warren stopped and stared at her.

JJ returned the stare, but said nothing.

Warren shook his head in disgust and knocked on Aaron's door.

"Come in," he called out.

They walked into Hotch's office and he stood. He was wearing the same suit from earlier, but it was wrinkled and his shirt was untucked. His face was grim and he looked exhausted.

"I need the keys to Jareau's office."

Hotch opened the drawer in his desk and pulled out a set. He handed them to Warren, looking at JJ the whole time.

"Can we have a moment?" Aaron looked at Warren.

"I'll go get started." Warren turned and left the office, keeping the door open.

JJ stared across the desk, "Hotch..."

"What do you know?" He asked, his voice all business.

JJ clenched her fists, "I know that Emily escaped and that they think I helped her. Excuse me, _you_ think I helped her. Why are you doing this?" She asked, "You know Emily, you know she wouldn't do this. All of those things you said about her–"

"Are true," Hotch interrupted. "The woman we knew was an act."

JJ shook her head in disgust. Unable to look at him any longer she turned and left his office. When she got to her office, it looked like her house had as she had left. Everything from her drawers had been thrown on the ground. She clenched her jaw. "That's FBI property."

He didn't look up.


	32. Chapter 32

_**Thank you for the reviews, as always, they are much appreciated! I hope you enjoy the chapter!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds.**_

* * *

"Clyde."

"Bloody hell, Emily. I'm halfway over the Atlantic and everyone on this plane knows who you are."

"I need your help."

"I'm on my way to DC, I should be landing in a few hours. Can you stay out of trouble until then?"

Emily looked around the dark and abandoned house, "I think so."

"Why didn't you stay in custody? I could have gotten it sorted out. This, on the other hand, is going to take some more work."

"They think I killed DeMarco."

"Okay, let me point out the obvious here; you did. But you were under Interpol orders."

"They have physical evidence. Fingerprints."

"Did you–"

"Dammit, Clyde," Emily interrupted him, "I'm not an ametuer. Someone planted that evidence. They also think I'm the one who stole the Interpol information. And that I killed DeMarco because he was on to me. My own team took me into custody."

"I never liked Agent Hotchner," Easter said, "but I never took him for a fool. Just hold on and stay out of sight until I land."

"I do have something that might help me," Emily said.

"What is it?"

"I have DeMarco's laptop. I'm going to get it to my contact tomorrow, but there has to be something on there that proves I'm not a traitor."

Clyde sighed, "for the love of god just wait until I'm there."

"Fine," Emily conceded. She hung up the phone and stood there with her eyes closed for a moment. And then with a deep breath she set the phone down on the kitchen counter and walked into the living room.

She leaned against the wall and then she began to wait.

XXX

"I have already told you that I don't know where Emily is," JJ said, exasperated. She was sitting in the same interrogation room that Emily had been in the day before. She stared ahead at Agent Warren.

"And where were you between midnight and one?"

JJ thought for a moment, "I was at McAllen's Pub with Derek Morgan. Ask the bartender and check the video cameras. I also believe two of your agents were tailing us. Now," JJ composed herself, "I have an alibi, so unless you are planning to arrest me, I'm leaving now." She stood and zipped her jacket.

"Don't think I won't check your alibi."

JJ let the door slam behind her. She walked down the hall and passed the bullpen, it was now nearing three in the morning. The light was off in Hotch's office and all of the desks were empty. She was exhausted and she was mad. And as she walked out of the building she remembered that her car was still in the shop.

Her legs seemed to crumble beneath her and she leaned back against the outer wall of the building. She brought her legs to her chest and rested her forehead on her knees. The wind picked up and she shivered.

Emily was out there, somewhere.

JJ sighed, forcing herself to take her phone out and call for a ride. And when Derek didn't answer she tried Tara, hoping to god that she was home.

Fifteen minutes later Tara pulled up to the curb in front of JJ.

She asked JJ how she was doing, how she was holding up, if there was anything she needed.

But she didn't press her about Emily; and for that, JJ was thankful.

XXX

Emily gripped the glock in her hand.

Her phone was sitting on the kitchen counter, it was on, and it would be easy to track. She was counting on that.

Because this needed to end, and it needed to end tonight.

She stood, alert and waiting. She didn't move until she could hear light footsteps out on the porch. And when the doorknob turned, she raised her gun.

Emily held her gun against his temple when he took his first step in. He didn't look at her, didn't say anything, he just laughed.

He laughed and laughed until he was almost doubled over.

Emily grabbed him by the collar, kicking the door shut with her foot. She pushed him against the wall, gun held tightly against his head.

"Talk," she hissed.

"I always liked the game of chess," Easter said, facing ahead, "being in control of all the pieces. _Manipulating_ them. And you, Emily," he turned to face her so that the gun was pressed against his forehead, "are just so predictable."

Emily kept the gun level.

"Kill a few of your agents and you run off to DC. Threaten your team and bring up Doyle, and then you do whatever I tell you."

"You killed those Interpol agents," Emily hissed, "why?"

Easter raised a brow, "why does anyone do it? Money? Power? Take your pick. I'm honestly not interested in your profile, but whatever will make you happy."

"You had the list this whole time. You were the one bidding it off and when DeMarco got too close you ordered me to kill him?"

"Why do you think he fled to the states? He was convinced someone was coming after him. Guess he was right," Easter smirked.

A near growl escaped from the back of Emily's throat and Easter just laughed.

"How did you know it was me, anyway? I'm curious."

"You just walked into this house."

"So you did catch on, albeit a little late. The phone call was a setup I take it?"

"Just like my fingerprints."

"Ah, those. A little obvious, but the American police aren't very bright, I had to leave them something not even they could miss."

"And you planted the list on DeMarco's laptop," Emily continued, "mine too."

"No need for semantics, Prentiss."

"Put your hands up, Easter," Emily said, "I'm arresting you."

"With what authority?" He laughed.

"Hands up," she demanded.

"Fine, fine, no need to get nasty." He took a step away from her and raised his hands above his head. "Do you think this will bring your agents back, Prentiss? Do you think arresting me will really do anything? Do you think it will take away your guilt?"

Easter jerked his hands forward and knocked the gun from Emily's hands. They both lunged forward for it, but Easter managed to grab onto it first. The smirk returned as he stood, "on your knees, Prentiss."

She glared back.

"If you cooperate I won't kill anyone else on the BAU, how's that?"

Emily bit back a thousand curses and got onto her knees. She looked at him, her eyes dark.

"I'd try to bribe you, but you're just too damn moral," he shook his head. "So how does this sound instead, 'I came to the states to work with the FBI when you came and attacked me'?"

"There's something you might want to know before you kill me."

"And what's that."

"Just because you point a gun at someone doesn't mean they're dead. You should know that better than anyone else," the corners of her mouth began to curve up.

Easter's face morphed from confusion to anger. He pulled back the gun and slammed it into Emily's face. She fell to the ground, blood trickling from her forehead. She pushed herself up so that she faced Easter again.

"You think I'm so predictable," she laughed, "you think you know me so well, Clyde."

The front door was knocked down with a crash and shouting filled the room.

"How predictable am I now?" Emily hissed.

* * *

 _ **What do you guys think? I'd love to read your reviews :)**_


	33. Chapter 33

_**I hope you all enjoy the chapter and have a good weekend!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

Emily stared out the window.

She could no longer see the house in the side mirror, although she doubted she would ever forget what had happened in there. Her forehead stung and her head ached, but god, it was over. It was over...

Emily didn't look away from the window until the car pulled into a driveway and stopped.

"No," she said, "I can't go in there, I'm still a fugitive."

Derek turned to look at her from the driver's seat. "I don't care," he said, "Hotch is bringing Easter in and then he's going to the office. He's going to get this figured out, okay? Until then, you stay here. Got it?" He tried to give her an encouraging smile.

Emily sighed. Derek and Aaron had already risked so much for her.

Morgan turned off the engine and got out of the car, walking around to the other side. He opened the door, "come on, Emily." He held out his hand.

They walked to the house side by side. The light was on in the living room and Savannah opened the front door and stood in the doorway.

"Are you hurt?" She immediately went to Emily, seeing the blood that had now dried on her face.

"I'm fine," Emily pulled away from her touch.

"Let me look at your head, it's bleeding," Savannah said.

"No," Emily ducked her head, "it's okay."

"What's going on?" Savannah turned to look at Derek.

Derek gave his head a slight shake, indicating they would talk later. "Let's go clean off the blood," Derek led Emily upstairs and into the hall bathroom.

"I'll be right back," Derek left the bathroom and went to his room. Savannah was there already.

"Derek, what's going on?" She asked again.

"I can't give you any details right now," he said, "but Emily needs to spend the night." He paused, "she–"

"Derek," Savannah stopped him, "if you can't give me details, I trust you. I just need to know, are we safe? Is Hank safe?"

"Yes."

"Okay," she nodded. "I'll go get the first aid kit and you do what you need to do."

Derek turned to leave, then stopped and turned back. "I love you, Savannah."

"I know," she kissed him, "I love you too."

When Derek got back to the bathroom Emily was standing in the doorway.

"Is JJ okay?" She asked quickly.

"Yeah," Derek told her, "JJ's okay."

"Did the FBI arrest her?"

"They took her in for questioning after your escape, but she's at Tara's right now. She's safe."

Emily let out a shaky breath at the news, "I want to see her."

"I know you do Princess, but you can't. Not yet."

And Emily knew he was right, of course he was. She had been the one to tell JJ not to contact her. Not to contact DeMarco. But that didn't stop the aching in her chest.

"Hotch and I know that you didn't do anything wrong," Derek continued, "and JJ knows that too. But until everybody else does, you need to lay low. Now, will you please sit down?"

But Emily couldn't.

Because for a moment she couldn't move.

Because, god, she had brought all of this here. She had brought Easter here and she had brought Doyle here and every single time the people she loved got caught in the middle. Because it always came back. The monsters always came back.

But now they were disguised as friends.

As colleagues. As mentors.

And it had taken her too long to realize. Because he had tricked her and manipulated her. And the only other time she had been suspicious of him it had gotten Tsia killed. And after that, after that she had never questioned him or doubted him. And now that had gotten people killed. Because she hadn't seen that he was a traitor. She hadn't seen until it was too late.

"Emily, Emily look at me," Derek said.

Her head was down and her eyes averted.

"Come on, Princess," Derek used his hand to raise Emily's chin. She met his eyes but he could read nothing in them. After everything that had happened she was still so guarded. "This wasn't your fault, do you understand that?"

She couldn't answer him, at least not the way he wanted her to, so instead she walked into the bathroom and sat on the edge of the bathtub. She could hear him sigh, she could hear him open a cabinet, and she could hear him turn on the sink.

"This might sting a little bit," his voice was gentle as he crouched beside her. He wiped the blood from her face and dabbed at the cut on the side of her forehead.

Emily kept her eyes on the ground, biting her lip instead of flinching at the pain.

"Hi, Emily. Can I look at that cut?"

Emily glanced up and saw that Savannah had entered the bathroom with a first aid kit in hand.

"Yeah," Emily said, "sorry," she added quickly.

"Don't be," Savannah smiled. She opened the first aid kit on the counter and opened it. "This will sting, but it's going to clean the cut," she said.

And it did sting, but Emily didn't move. And she didn't move when Savannah placed a piece of gauze over the injury. And when Savannah placed two pills in her palm she swallowed them obediently.

"I set up the couch downstairs for you," Savannah said, "you should try and get some rest."

"Thanks."

Derek walked downstairs with her to where Savannah had placed an extra pillow and a comforter on the couch. Emily sat, exhausted, but already knowing she would be unable to sleep tonight.

"How're you feeling?" Derek asked, sitting beside her.

"Like I got pistol whipped."

"Do you want me to stay with you?"

And she did. Because the thought of being alone right now terrified her. But instead she said, "you should go be with Savannah."

Despite her words Derek knew. It was the first time he had been able to read her eyes all night. So instead of getting up and walking up stairs he leaned back and pulled the comforter over the both of them. Emily leaned against him, silently thankful that he hadn't left.

"I'm so proud of you, Princess," he kissed the top of her head, "I've always been proud of you."

XXX

Neither Emily nor Derek slept that night and four hours later they were up for a meeting at the Bureau. They were given visitors badges and directed to Hotch's office. As they walked down the familiar halls Emily could feel eyes on her. She counted herself lucky that none of the agents tried to physically arrest her.

The bull pen was quiet; Emily was surprised not to see Rossi, Reid, or Tara at their desks.

"You good?" Derek asked.

"Yeah," she nodded.

They walked across the bullpen and up the stairs to Hotch's office. Derek knocked and when they were called in he gave Emily a reassuring smile before opening the door.

Hotch was sitting behind his desk and indicated for them to take a seat at the chairs across from him. He cleared his throat before speaking, "I hope you were both able to get some rest," he said, knowing full well neither of them had slept in the past 24 hours. "I spoke with the director today and in lieu of the information you provided us with, Emily, the charges against you have been dropped."

"What about Easter?" Emily asked.

"He is in Interpol custody and they will be investigating all charges against him."

"And the escape?" Derek asked.

Aaron looked from Derek to Emily, "the FBI is willing to look the other way on this due to the extenuating circumstances of the situation. However, I do stress that it would be best for the both of you to stay off of the FBI's radar for now."

Emily nodded, "how's DeMarco?"

"Once Easter was transferred to Interpol, DeMarco was picked up by some of our Agents. He will likely be returning to London in the next few days."

Emily sighed in relief.

"Another thing," Hotch opened his drawer and pulled out a box, "I was able to get these for you. I can get the rest of your items later today."

Hotch handed her the box and Emily removed her wallet, cellphone, and belt.

"Thank you, for everything," she said.

Hotch nodded, "you both are free to go, but keep in touch."

"Will do, man," Derek said as he stood.

"Of course," Emily said, she and Derek walked to the door.

"Emily," Hotch stopped her, "one more thing."

"What is it?"

"Tell JJ that I'm sorry."

Emily looked at him in question.

"She'll understand."

They left the office and as Derek shut the door behind them, Emily couldn't help but think of the symbolism it held. Closing the door to the past and walking away.

Closure. Freedom. Escape.

But she wasn't naive enough to believe any of that.

* * *

 _ **I hope you enjoyed the chapter, and I promise that JJ will be in the next one :) I'd love reviews!**_


	34. Chapter 34

_**I am so sorry for how long it took to post this chapter! Despite the wait, I hope you all enjoy it. This story will be wrapping up soon, there will likely be one or two more chapters. However, I have been contemplating the idea of a sequel-it would have to do with JJ and Emily's relationship as well as the human trafficking ring that Emily and her Interpol team was investigating, but I'd like to know what you all think (would you be interested in such a sequel?)**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

* * *

It was over, he was gone.

She should be happy or relieved or _something_.

But instead she was tired and instead she felt heavy and instead her chest felt hollow. And she knew that soon her feelings would come back. After the shock of everything had worn off and her wounds had healed, she would feel it. She would feel everything.

But right now she didn't and maybe that was for the best.

She had gotten through the meeting with Hotch, she had been cleared by the FBI, Easter was in Interpol custody, and DeMarco was safe. All of the logistics were done. But Emily didn't know where that left her.

But then Emily turned the corner, Derek's firm hand resting on the small of her back, and saw her. She saw JJ and she knew she had been waiting for her. And there was something there, a feeling that was clawing its way from her chest, that was pushing her forward and forward until she was in JJ's arms. Until she had her face nuzzled against the other woman's neck and could take a deep breath and pull her even closer.

"You're alive."

Emily nodded against JJ's body. She gripped her tightly, blinking away tears, "can we go home?"

"Of course," JJ pulled away so that she could look at the other woman, "of course we can go home."

XXX

JJ and Emily walked into a spotless home.

It was as though the drawers had never been removed and their contents dumped out, as though bed sheets hadn't been ripped from beds or cushions thrown to the floor, as though their home had never been violated.

And there was a vase with brightly colored flowers on the dining room table. It held a small card that simply read: _we're here._

JJ turned to look at Emily, "do you want to talk?"

"No," Emily said, taking a step toward the other woman so that their bodies were close. She brought her hand up to JJ's jawbone and brushed her lips against JJ's, "I want you," she whispered, her breath hot.

JJ's breath hitched, "yeah?"

"Yeah," Emily nodded. She brought her lips against JJ's and ran her hands down her side until they found her hips.

JJ brought her hands to Emily's face and when she felt Emily's hands go to her waistband she pulled away just long enough to breathe out, "bedroom."

XXX

Emily looked over at her girlfriend.

It was late and JJ was asleep. Emily had been too, she had fallen asleep with JJ in her arms, but now she was awake and craved the numbness of earlier.

Because the shock had passed and the hollow emptiness within her had filled.

And her body couldn't decide between anger, fear, or sadness, so she felt it all. She felt the pain she had been forced to push away, to compartmentalize in order to function, and she felt new pain.

Time had ceased to exist while she had yet again been pulled into a nightmare. As she had been forced to relive the events of that night. As she had been forced to feel.

"Hey." JJ had rolled over and was now looking up at Emily.

"I can leave." The words left Emily's mouth before she could think to stop them.

"What?" JJ sat up and turned to face her.

"We don't have to do this. I can go."

"What are you talking about, Emily?" JJ's brows were pulled together in confusion.

Emily pulled the covers away and stood, "I'm sorry." She grabbed her clothes off the floor and slipped them on before leaving the room.

JJ was out of bed in a fraction of a second and caught Emily in the hall, "Emily, stop, please."

Emily turned, and JJ saw how red her eyes were, "it'll be better this way."

"What will?" JJ asked, "what are you talking about?"

Emily dropped her hands to her sides, her eyes glazed and looked at nothing, "I was supposed to be better," she finally said.

"What?" JJ reached out, but Emily pulled away from her touch

"I caught the guy," Emily shook her head, "I caught him and things were supposed to get better. The nightmares were supposed to go away. But I still see them and I can still smell the smoke, and god, all I want is for it to go away. But it hasn't. It won't."

"Emily, look at me," JJ waited until she could see the other woman's eyes, "this doesn't mean it won't go away. It doesn't mean you won't get better. Sometimes it takes more than catching the bad guy."

Emily tried to blink away the tears in her eyes.

"Sometimes we need help, Em, but that doesn't make us weak. It's okay," JJ whispered, "it's okay to need help. It's okay to ask. And it's okay to not be okay."

A tear fell from Emily's eye and her face crumpled. JJ pulled her close and gently lowered her to the floor as the other woman's legs weakened.

"You don't have to be ashamed of your feelings," JJ held her close, stroking her hair, "you're not an inconvenience, Emily, and you deserve to be loved and heard and cared for. I love you, Em, I love you so much. I don't want you to feel like you have to hide this from me. I know this is hard, but I'm going to help you."


	35. Epilogue

_**Here is the epilogue for this fic. I wanted to thank you all for sticking through this with me. I know this ended up semi-abandoned, especially when I only had one chapter to go, I want to apologize for that. As I'm pretty sure you all know, life happens, but I will do my very best to make sure these long gaps between chapters doesn't happen in future fics.**_

 _ **There's a lot that is left unfinished with this chapter, and that is because, like a mentioned before, I am contemplating a sequel. This would involve more JJxEmily, the human trafficking ring, and Emily working through her trauma. Is that something you would be interested in reading?-please let me know in the reviews.**_

 _ **Again, thank you so much for your support!**_

 _ **I do not own Criminal Minds**_

The soft morning sun filled the room and Emily sighed. She ran her fingers down JJ's arm, feeling the smooth skin against her own calloused fingers. JJ turned to her and smiled. Her lips were a soft pink and her eyes shined blue. Emily didn't ever want to look away from her.

"You go back to work tomorrow," Emily sighed, moving her hand to JJ's silky hair.

"If it were up to me I'd stay right here in this bed with you forever," JJ smiled.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah," JJ confirmed.

"Well," Emily bit her lip, "we still do have one entire day."

"Is that right?" There was a twinkle in JJ's eye that quickened Emily's heart.

Emily brought her lips to JJ's neck. Her skin was soft and warm, and just being with her... Emily never thought she could feel this good.

This happy.

"I love you," Emily whispered into JJ's ear, her breath hot.

"I love you too."


End file.
